Erin's Blog

Day four at camp

2011-07-05T10:35:00.001-04:00

Day four at camp was fun, although I didn't get as much writing done as I had hope to. We had fun watching fireworks last night after a fun picnic with friends.

Making quick edits to what I wrote by hand yesterday as I typed it up.
fun word sprints via twitter
new ideas from friends during our picnic

Despite the good day, I got lots of bug bites and not enough writing done. Hopefully today goes better.

Today is a new day for writing. I better get back to my tent and continue writing.

Review of day three at camp

2011-07-04T10:38:00.002-04:00

Day three at camp was a blast!

It was rather hot out, and that was fine. Don't ask me why, but I brought the TV, DVD player, and the rental place along. So last night we rented "The Kings Speech", and watched that before shooting off a few fireworks. Naturally that meant no time to do any writing from about 8:00 until a little after eleven when I joined in with the word sprints on twitter.

Here are some of the other highlights of yesterdays day at camp:

Listening to little kids laugh as they rode their bikes up and down the street while I wrote
having steak for dinner in the back yard
listening to the local minor league baseball team play on the radio for half an hour
getting about 200 words away from the 10000 word mark

Day 2 at camp recap

2011-07-03T11:03:00.003-04:00

Yesterday (June 3) was day two at campnanowrimo. Boy was it fun! I've been enjoying camp quite a bit this year. The following is a recap of some of the events of yesterday.

I wrote over 3000 words by hand, then typed them up during the middle of a rather hot day.
I went down to the river to watch the Bay City fireworks. For a good hour, I sat on the hill by the river writing several hundred words that yet have to be typed up, and filled the first notebook for this novel.
I stayed up a little to late watching youtube videos as I tried to inspire myself to start a second notebook for this novel.
In the end I fell asleep a little too late, and woke up a little too early.

Review of day one at camp

2011-07-02T10:26:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was day one at camp. I sure had fun! So here's a recap of events.

I spent the morning writing the beggining of the novel I am writing for camp by hand, then typed up the first 3500 words or so, and updated my word count.

It was rather hot out, which called for lots of water, and a mikes hard lemonaid for dinner with my brat and corn on the cob.

Sleeping didn't come easy thanks to the fact that it was hard to keep cool when the temprature was in the upper eighties and we have no air conditioning at camp.

During the day, I spent part of my time writing near the lake (aka the neighbors pool) listing to people scream and splash around. What a fun sound to hear and inspire me to write a novel!

Around the camp fire, I had a lot of fun singing a variety of songs, mostly from Shrek the musical. I also pulled out my battery powered radio (aka my radio plugged into the wall in my room) and listened to Midland's minor leauge baseball team (www.loons.com) play a game that they won while I wrote by hand once again.

Camp

2011-06-30T23:13:00.003-04:00

Do you remember going to camp as a kid? What do you remember the most about camp?

In middle school I went to confirmation camp with my church. I remember both years I went vividly. And I have lots of memories from both years.

The first year I went, I didn't know anyone that was going. So I was a bit nervous. Thankfully I met a few people and made a few friends during the week. One of the counselors that worked there both years that I went I didn't see for years after I went. But then in the last year the two of us ran into each other at church again. It was amazing how much she had changed, and I'm sure that I changed a lot too. Probably the memory that has stuck with me the most from that first year at confirmation camp is that of my first day there, and how I got lost as I tried to make my way back from the lake front and my swimming test that everyone took to the cabin I was in.

My second year at confirmation camp, I went with a bunch of people that I knew well from church. I still made a bunch of new friends. This time I have some hilarious memories from the canoe trip that I went on with a few new friends. Neither of them had canoed before, and both were afraid of spiders. Naturally I was the one in the back steering (and also the shortest of the three of us), and the one stuck killing and removing all spiders that got into the canoe. Hearing those two girls screaming about spiders was hilarious. I also have great memories of doing crafts both years.

This year, I am experiencing a first when it comes to camp.

It's my first campnanowrimo, and the first campnanowrimo ever. How exciting!

Right now it is 11:20pm on June 30 in Michigan, where I am currently living. Campnanowrimo begins at midnight on July 1. I have been planning on staying up past midnight to get some writing on my July novel done before getting some good sleep and continuing on with the novel tomorrow during the day when I'll be more awake.

Loosing track, beggining new project, life is good

2011-05-02T22:20:00.002-04:00

I sure have lost track of time when it comes to getting posts put up! I'm sorry for not posting for so long, but I've had a lot of stuff go on in my life. My lfe has been going well. And I have some great news to share with anybody that reads regularly, or might just happen to stumble across my blog and see this post.

I've got a huge project that I have begun. I am in the process of getting funding set up, finding actors and actresses, and writing the soundtrack for a small budget movie that I am going to film in Midland, MI. I started looking for funding, and actors on this past Saturday.

I am still looking for funding and actors. If you are interusted in throwing some money into a film that is coming of age story, the story of a young woman on a journey towards a career as a concert pianist, and a story of how many obsticles that life can throw at a person please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of Home funding.

If you would like a role in this movie, large or small, please e-mail me at homethemovie@ymail.com with the subject line of home audition and with a photo (preferablly a head shot), and any experience/your resume.

What a weird dream

2011-03-22T10:06:00.002-04:00

Last night I had a weird dream. It wasn't just weird. It was also creepy. I'll put my comments in the middle of the dream in italics so that it's easy to make sense of. So here's what the dream was:

For some reason my Mom was no longer in the picture, and my dad and mom were no longer married, which is somthing that I can't see happening in real life anytime soon. And for some odd reason my dad had asked me to marry him, and I said yes. (why the hell does anybody want to marry their father???) There were a bunch of our family friends and my personal friends at the wedding. For whatever reason I really didn't want to marry my dad, but I said yes in hopes that then one of my friends would remember that this was my dad, and marrying your dad is a bit messed up and something I wouldn't do under normal circumstances. It was just creepy that I was dreaming about marrying my dad... After the wedding was over, my dad and I were greeting our guests, and my friends kept on saying that they never expected this from me, and that they were so proud of the fact that I had found someone. Finally I ended up shouting at the top of my lungs that I was a lesbian, that it was my dad I had just married and what was everyone thinking allowing this to happen, and that if I hadn't married him that my dad would have killed me.

Geez. I never thought I would have a dream quite so creepy....I sure hope I never have that dream again. Have you ever had any creepy dreams?

What a day...I just need to rant.

2011-03-09T16:10:00.004-05:00

It's ash Wensday. And it's been a crappy day. I just need a place to rant about whats been going on today that's been so crappy. So where do I start?

I was gone quite a bit of the day today at a local elementary school. And that was okay. At least until the kids started to get on my nerves. On the way home my brother, who came to pick me up, got on my case about how I didn't seem to be in a good mood. The problem was my brother doesn't get that when I get done at the elementary school, I'm worn out, tired, and just want some peace and quiet which he was not wanting to give me today. Then, when I walked into the house, my dad who is home on spring break got on my case. I guess someone from Western Michigan called about my application. My dad was on my case because of a whole host of reasons, so let me begin with some background.

When I first graduated from high school, I started taking classes at a local community college that fall. At the time I thought I was going to go into nursing. And part of me believed that. But anouther part, a bigger part, of me didn't want to and was only taking the classes I was because I felt like it was what my parents wanted me to do. And so I did pretty badley in some of those classes. I did eventually finish the pharmacy technician certificate that the school has. But I haven't actually taken the certification exam.

Fast forward to today. My dad got on my case when I got home. He wanted to know why I haven't been studying for the certification exam. He wanted to know how I planned to pay to go to Western Michigan if I get accepted and decide to go. He told me that if I did decide to go he wouldn't help pay for any of it until I proved that I was going to do well in the classes I take, if I go. That last part about not wanting to help pay for my schooling unless I prove that I'm going to do well in the classes makes sense. And I was prepared for that. I had done a lot of thinking about it. And I'm willing to apply for scholarships, and take out a loan if nessesary. The problem is my dad doesn't like the idea of me having to take out a loan. Hello?????? My parents both had loans when they went to college, so why is it such a big deal if I take one out so that I can go to school at the school of my choice to major in what I want to major in???? And as for the pharmacy technician certification exam...I don't think that's where I belong. It's not something I want to do forever, and it's not something I really am that interusted in doing. So I don't get why my dad is freaking out and getting on my case about all of this stuff.

Has anybody else ever experienced something like this???? Please tell me that someone has.

Back to the ranting about stuff going on in my life. During the fall of 2008, my parents made me get some counsling. And at that time, I really wasn't willing to put in ANY effort at all, so it didn't help any. So eventually I quit. And my parents weren't mad at me because they understood that I wasn't getting anything out of it because I wasn't willing to put any effort into it. And so until late January 2010 things were even rougher between my parents and I. Part of that was because of who I am, who I was at the time, and a whole host of issues that I just wasn't ready to cope with. And anouther part of it was the way my parents saw me, what my parents wanted to me, and the disconnect between my parents and I. During the fall of 2009 a lot of shit happened, and it set of this whole dispute between my parents and I. And so my parents and I went to talk to the family doctor to try to figure out a way to get things going on the right track between my parents and I. By that point I was ready to put some effort into things, but I also needed someone that would be able to help bridge the disconnect between my parents and I.

And so we found a psychologist in the area that was willing to take me. This time I wasn't so freaked out about going to counsling/therapy because I had an idea of what to expect. The first time there, my parents came with me, and the three of us taked with my therapist so that she would have an idea of where all three of us were coming from. And so the work on my part began. It was that first time with my therapist, who I still go to see once a week, that she pointed out that I do have issues with anxiety, and that the anxiety was part of what was causing some of the issues on my end. And at that time I really had no way to cope with anxiety because I had no real idea that that was what I was feeling. And so that firrst month or so was spent working through the anxiety. Thankfully I now know what tends to make me more anxious, and I know a few different ways to cope with it that work brilliantly for me.

Part of what set me off today was the fact that my dad doesn't seem to realize that I'm not just working through the issues that I have that my parents want to have resolved so we can have a better relationship, but that I am also working through what I want to do with MY life, and how to get to where I want to be. And so that gets really frusterating to me because my parents don't realize that I know that they want me to do well and be happy, and that my parents aren't willing to do everything for me, but that I also need them to understand that what I'm doing to make something of my life is more up to me than it is to them. And I've got all this pent up frustration with my parents that I haven't been able to let out for so many years because I didn't ever really realize that I was frusterated with them because they didn't care enough to pay attention to what I was actually saying through my words and actions. Thankfully my therapist is very supportive of me, and is able to make sense of what I'm wanting out of life. What I don't think my parents really realize is that my applying to Western Michigan has happened because my therapist has helped me to start making those small steps towards doing something with my life that I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, NOT WHAT MY PARENTS WANT ME TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

My parents don't get that I WANT to go into music therapy because I BELIVE that it's something that I would enjoy and that it is something that I AM WILLING to put some effort into. My mom recently told me that it would take a lot of work to major in music therapy if I decide to do that. AS IF I DON'T ALREADY KNOW THAT!!!! Do my parents not get that I'm willing to put in effort when I find something I want to do?????

My parents don't seem to understand that they are basically trying to controll my life so much that it's putting me in a position that makes me look bad to their friends when I decide to do something that don't want me to do even if what I want to do has a perfectly legitimate reason behind it. Recently my parents got on my case because I was spending 150 dollars on month on food and gas. My parents freaked out about it because they thought I was spending too much. So they went screaming to my therapist saying that I had been spending way to much when I don't have a job. Yes, I know I don't have a job. But how the hell do you expect to to survive if I can't get around and can't eat what I want to eat? My therapist understood where I was coming from, and understood my frustration. She also couldn't believe that I was basically eatting and getting from place to place on so little. If you do the math, I was basically living on five dollars a day, which isn't easy. So why did my parents freak out? I don't really know why.

Memories of the Wizard of Oz

2011-02-16T09:16:00.003-05:00

I have some very prominent memories from my childhood of The Wizard of Oz. I remember the part of the movie when Dorothy emerges from the house and into the world of Oz, and thinking that everything looks so plastic. It might be weird that I remember how all the plants in Oz, specifically Munchkinland looked like they were plastic. But I was so used to the real thing--true nature--from all of my families camping trips, that seeing plants that looked so fake seemed really weird to me.

I also clearly remember thinking that the way that the Wicked Witch of the West made her enterance to Munchkinland was so cool. And yet I knew that they found a way to make smoke in a single area and had a trap door or something there to get her out of the scene before the smoke cleared. I just thought that it was SO cool that they had found a way to do that. But my all time favorite scene was the scene where they melt the Wicked Witch of the West. I thought that it looked so realalistic.

Do you have any memories of The Wizard of Oz? What are your favorite memories of the movie? What are your least favortie memories of the movie?

2011-02-09T11:27:00.002-05:00

It's been an interusting week. I've been trying to get myself going on something the whole week, but haven't been able too. About the only I have been able to do is keep getting posts for http://ComingOutAintEasy.blogspot.com set up to be posted through tomarrow. What is it with me? Last week at this time we had a big snow storm roll through, and my whole family spent two days at home together. All that snow we got is still here. Almost all of the piles of snow at the end of people's driveways are at least as tall as me, which isn't saying much considering I'm only four foot eleven and a quarter inches. After all that snow, a bit of shoveling, and countless hours waiting for the plow to come through the neighborhood, I made it to church on Saturday morning for rehersal with all the bell choirs at church. On Saturday night and Sunday morning church was having a hymn festival, which all of the bell chiors were involved in. All of the bell chiors were coming together to do a processional that lead into the first hymn. So it took a bit to get it put together. After we got the processional put together, the adult bell chior (called JuBELLation) had a rehersal to put a peice we were playing with the organ together. We hadn't ever practiced the peice we were doing at such a fast pace. We managed to make it work, which was a good thing.

Meanwhile I haven't done any work on any of the novels that I have started latley. I wish I could get myself going on even just one of them.

I should really log off now, and force myself to work on one of my novels. But that doesn't seem likley.

NaNoWriMo

2011-02-04T16:00:00.001-05:00

Did you participate in nanowrimo in 2010? I sure did. This was my second year participating, and I completed the challange for the second year in a row. It sure has been a fun experience . THis year I managed to write the majority of the novel in November, and managed to finish the last 10000 words or so in the first half of December.

Last night I re-read the novel I wrote in 2009 for nanowrimo, and realized that I should make an attempt to re-write it into three different novels. There was so much in that novel that I didn't cover, that I want to cover, and which would add quite a bit top the novel. So I began witht the first novel of this series I am going to try to write. I am looking forward to seeing where this will take me, and seeing what happens.

I am most definatly a panster simply because I know if I plan too much, I get frusterated and give up. So I find it easier to be a pantser and see where my imagination leads me.

Hopefully I'll be back soon with my next blog!

Updates

2011-02-04T13:51:00.002-05:00

It's time for anouther update on what I've been up to latley. Volunteering at a local elementary school three days a week takes up a lot of time, and wears me out, so I haven't posted here as regularly as I have hoped that I would. I'm still looking for a job with no luck. I had an interview in early January of this year with subway, but didn't get the job, so I've continued to apply at various places in my area. I've been enjoying bells as usual. During Christmas break, a couple of friends and I went to see the movie Black Swan. I highly suggest it. I also have been nominated to be on my church's nominating committe, and that will be voted on by the congregation this coming sunday (super bowl sunday). Meanwhile the Green Bay Packers have made it into the superbowl, which is exciting since my parents grew up about 45 minutes from Green Bay, we have family living in Wisconsin, and I have been back every year since I was born.

On anouther front I created a new blog. I had been considering doing a series of posts on this one about being gay/lesbian. But then I decided I should create a whole new blog for those posts. That blog can be found at http://comingoutainteasy.blogspot.com

Hopefully the packers win this years super bowl! Go Pack GO!

Chapter One

2011-02-03T16:01:00.001-05:00

Chapter One

Young eyes

"Dying in America

At the end of the millennium

We're dying in America

To come into our own

And when you're dying in America

At the end of the millennium

You're not alone

I'm not alone

I'm not alone" RENT

1988

"Do you know where my shoes are?" calls Coreen as she runs down the steps with her backpack.

"No I don't." calls Coreen's father as he runs out the door on his way to his teaching job at a nearby Catholic high school.

"The last time I saw them they were in the back hall." Replies Coreen's mother.

"Thanks Mom." Replies Coreen as she finds her shoes in the back hall, and throws them on before running out the door to her car which she drives to school.

Coreen is a sixteen-year-old high school Junior. During the last five minutes of sixth hour, Coreen receives a pass to go down to see her counselor. Once down in the counseling office, she sits down to wait for her turn.

"Come on back." Says Mrs. Knight

Coreen follows Mrs. Knight back to her office, where they both sit down.

"So what's up?" asks Coreen

"School seems to be going well for you this year." Replies Mrs. Knight, "How are you feeling about this year?

"I'm feeling good about it so far."
"I'm glad. I have a question for you, if you don't mind me asking."

"Not at all, ask away." Replies Coreen

"When I've seen you in the halls lately, I've been noticing that you are a little different from your classmates." Says Mrs. Knight, "And I'm wondering if you are…if…if you're a lesbian?"

"Where in the world did that come from? And yes I am. Why are you wondering?"

"Do you have any friends that are? Any resources to rely on to get you through?"

"Not really; no. I'm still not out."

"You see; when I've seen you in the halls, I noticed that you aren't like your female classmates—that you don't flirt with the guys like your classmates do."

"Is it that obvious?"

"In reality, it isn't obvious. It took me a while to notice it about you. You actually are doing a good job of faking it."

"I'm glad it's not obvious." Says Coreen

"You aren't ready to be out of the closet yet?"

"No."

"I'm going to look for some information for you. I'll call you back in a few days when I have some things for you to look at that might help you out a bit while you make this transition."

"Thanks. Can you not say anything about this to anybody?"

"Sure." Replies Mrs. Knight, "It makes sense that you aren't quite ready yet."

Mrs. Knight and Coreen stand up, just as the final bell of the day rings.

"You'll be fine when you do decide to do it." Says Mrs. Knight, "I'll be here whenever you need someone to talk to."

"Thanks." Replies Coreen before she walks out of Mrs. Knight's office, and out into the halls where she can get her books before heading up to the library to do some homework before the key club meeting.

As Coreen sits in the back corner of the library near the Macs doing her homework, Coreen sees one of her teachers, Ms. Hyatt, and Mrs. Knight walk into the library. As Coreen watches the two of them, Mrs. Knight says something to Mrs. Hyatt, and begins walking towards Coreen. Ms. Hyatt sits down at a table across the room from Coreen where she quietly watches Mrs. Knight and Coreen without being obvious.

"Hi." Says Coreen to Mrs. Knight as she walks up to Coreen, "What's up?"

"Hi. I'm sure you know Hyatt pretty well by now." Says Mrs. Knight

"Yeah, in some ways I know her, and in other ways I don't."

"There are things she doesn't tell her students for various reasons. And one of those things is her sexuality. She asked me a to keep an eye on you for a while to see if I noticed the things she was in you. She wants to talk with you."

"Okay." Says Coreen

"I'll send her over so the two of you can talk."

Mrs. Knight walks away from Coreen towards Ms. Hyatt. Once at Ms. Hyatt's side, Mrs. Knight whispers something in her ear and pats Ms. Hyatt on the shoulder. Ms. Hyatt stands and walks towards Coreen, where she pulls out a chair and sits down across from Coreen. Coreen looks at Ms. Hyatt, and just looks into Ms. Hyatt's eyes. Ms. Hyatt looks back into Coreen's eyes, and their eyes say it all. Both women's eyes told their stories of hope, a need to be loved, a need to love, and a pain that very few would understand.

"How did you…" starts Coreen, "What gave you the clue that I'm…"

"I recognized bits of myself in you." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "The way you walk and talk, the way you act around the guys in class and in the halls it what clued me in."

Ms. Hyatt reaches across the table with her hands to where Coreen's hands are resting. She takes one of Coreen's hands in both of her own, and holds them tight.

"When I first arrived where I am now sitting now, and our eyes connected," says Ms. Hyatt, "I could see so much of what I was feeling at your age in your eyes."

Coreen bows her head, and looks down at Ms. Hyatt's hands wrapped around her own. As Coreen looks down at the hands lying on the table, and as her head is bent downwards, the tears begin to roll down her face. As Coreen's tears begin to fall, Ms. Hyatt stands without letting go of Coreen's hand, and walks over to Coreen's side of the table, where she bends down in front of Coreen, and lets go of Coreen's hand with one of hers, and reaches up to Coreen's face with the other hand. As Ms. Hyatt holds Coreen's face in her hand, she feels the tears come towards the surface, as if she was reliving this time of her life as Coreen did.

"I know where you're coming from." Whispers Ms. Hyatt to Coreen, "It is never easy at first, but it gets easier."

"Are you sure?" asks shakily Coreen through her tears

"I'm sure. Whenever you need to talk just stop by my office during lunch, or before or after school and I'll be there."

"Thanks."

Ms. Hyatt lets go of Coreen's hand, and stands. As soon as she is standing, Ms. Hyatt walks over to Coreen and kisses her on the forehead. Before Ms. Hyatt can walk away, Coreen stands, and takes Ms. Hyatt's hands in her own.

"Thank you." Says Coreen

"You're going to be fine." Whispers Ms. Hyatt; "I'll see you tomorrow in class."

"You too."

With that Ms. Hyatt walks out of the library, leaving Coreen standing in the library next to the table the she and Ms. Hyatt had been sitting at. After the key club meeting, Coreen heads home without the homework she finished before her conversation with Ms. Hyatt.

"How was your day?" asks Coreen's mom as they eat dinner.

"It was good." Replies Coreen in reply

"What are you doing for your next hours for key club?" asks Coreen's father.

"The next one is bell ringing for the Salvation Army."

"That one always sounds like fun to do." Says Coreen's mother

Silence falls between Coreen and her parents as they eat, and continues as Coreen and her mother do the dishes. The next morning, Coreen wakes up ten minutes early as to get an early start to school, for she wanted to have a chance to talk to Ms. Hyatt. Once at school, Coreen puts her backpack, books, and lunch in her locker before walking from the main level down to the basement where she knows Ms. Hyatt's office is.

"Hello." Says Coreen to Ms. Hyatt

"Hey." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing good. Better than yesterday. How about you?"

"I'm doing good."
"Good. I've got some questions for you."

"Okay. Come on in."

Coreen walks into Ms. Hyatt's office, closing the door behind her, and then sits down in a chair across from the desk from her teacher.

"How did you tell your family that you are gay?" asks Coreen

"I straight out told them on my eighteenth birthday." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "It wasn't necessarily easy to do, but you learn to do it. And it takes time to figure out how to say it, and when to say it."

"How long did it take you for to figure out how to say it?"

"It took me a good five years of experiences and searching before I figured it out. How long have you known?"

"Two years ago."

"You'll be fine when you do come out to your family."

"See you later today." Says Coreen before heading off to first hour.

"You too." Replies Ms. Hyatt

For months on end Coreen keeps quiet about her sexuality, knowing that only Mrs. Knight and Ms. Hyatt were the only ones that knew. It was during those months that Coreen did some research, and began to become more comfortable with herself. During those months, Coreen and Ms. Hyatt didn't say a thing about their conversation in the library. Ms. Hyatt didn't want to make Coreen uncomfortable about their friendship. After all their friendship was one that had started because of being a student and teacher. To push their friendship farther than two friends who met because of where one works and the other goes to school wouldn't be okay with the administrator, and might cause some issues for both women. As a senior, Coreen was exempt from taking the spring final exams, and got off a week before the exams began for the rest of the student body. On her final day of classes, as everyone in the AP Chemistry class got ready to leave, Ms. Hyatt handed each of the seniors a card.

"Thanks." Whispers Coreen to Ms. Hyatt as she hands Coreen the card

"Come back visit someday." Replies Ms. Hyatt

A couple of minutes later, the bell rings and everyone makes their way into the halls and to their lockers before leaving for home. Coreen takes her time leaving the room as a way of making sure she was the last one out of the room. Once at the door, where Ms. Hyatt is standing waiting for Coreen, they stand facing each other.

"Thanks for the support this year." Says Coreen

"You deserve it." Replies Ms. Hyatt, "I remember what I was like at your age, and how much support I needed. And I didn't get it until I was in college. It was time that I returned the favor that friends gave me in college to a young person who needed it. Enjoy you're college career."

"Thanks. I'll come back to visit sometime."

Coreen walks up the nearest stairway and into the band hall where her locker is. She then cleans out her locker and tosses all of her stuff into her car and drives home.

"Loving Annabelle"

2011-01-28T20:41:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I saw the movie "Loving Annabelle" for the first time. It was one of those movies that is sticking with me. After finishing it yesterday, I was so mellow compared to normal, and even compared to how I had been before seeing any of it. The ending of the movie just tore me up. I can't even find the words to describe why it tore me us so much. It was one of those movies that will definatly be close to my heart for a long time.
Partway through the movie, and at the end of the movie there were two quotes that I was woundering what people had to think about them.
"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." ("Loving Annabelle")
"For one human being to love anouther; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks...the work for which all other work is but preperation." Rainer Maria Rilke

Scared?

2011-01-27T20:23:00.001-05:00

I was afraid, scared of what had just happened, and what was about to happen. I wanted to speak; I wanted to break my silence. I was terrified of how people would react. I was afraid of losing friends and loved ones. What I had done would change my life forever. Hormones kicked in during middle school. Seventh grade came, and I found myself in a new place. I found myself attracted to a couple of my female teachers. But that was normal right? It had to be normal to be attracted to an older person right? It had to be normal to find things attractive about people that you saw every day. It had to be normal to want to experiment a little. So maybe what I was feeling about those teachers was just a phase. Maybe these feelings would disappear over time, and I would begin to feel an attraction to the guys about my age. And so I buried what I was feeling, and began to fake an attraction to the guys my age.
    By high school I had more and more male teachers. And I found it easier to fake my attraction to the guys. But those feelings I was having for my middle school teachers were still there. I was finding myself attracted to a few students at my school. And these weren't guys. I was finding myself attracted to the girls. Why weren't these feelings disappearing? Maybe this phase was going to last longer than I expected it to. Maybe I would have to wait longer for these feelings towards other young women would disappear. I had already waited two years. It couldn't last too much longer. So I would wait a little longer. I buried my feelings once again, and hoped that something would happen soon. I didn't want to deal with these feelings towards other women for much longer. It was getting frustrating, and scarier. What if the feelings I had never went away? What if I was really gay? My parents would be so disappointed in me if I was gay. My grandparents would hate my guts, and kill me if they found out that I was gay. I hoped that this was just a phase that was allowing me to figure out what I would later be attracted to in the guys.
    High School began to speed by. Before I knew it, freshman year was over, and sophomore year was beginning. Sophomore year I found myself forgetting my feelings for women. I found myself easily faking my attraction to the guys at school. A couple of my senior friends and I would hang out before school every day in the band hall. The five of us had a lot of fun just standing around and talking about whatever. The two I was closest too would write in my yearbook that spring. They wrote things that would choke me up, and that I would later pass on to a freshman during my senior year. The rest of my high school years would pass like a speeding bullet. Before I knew it, I had graduated from high school, and was off to a local community college and my first part time job.
    It was at Dow Gardens that I began to learn a lot about myself. I began making friends that I haven't forget, and have stayed in contact with. Maybe my life was about to change. I still was burying my feelings constantly. I couldn't tell anyone that I was gay. Nobody could know. I just had to keep my sexuality to myself. At first I had a lot of help learning everything I needed to know. Michelle was always in the gift shop with me those first few weeks. Usually she'd be off in her office though, getting ordering done and other things done that she couldn't do when she was the only one in the gift shop. But she was there if I had a question I needed answered about something. She was there if I needed to talk. But just having her there made life easier to deal with. But she was pregnant. And I knew in a short time she would be gone for several weeks to give birth, and maternity leave. I knew it was coming. But I wasn't prepared for it. For several weeks I was alone every day I worked in the gift shop/information center. I didn't have someone there with me that I could talk with about whatever.
    And eventually I found myself hating going to work. I wanted a different job than the one I had. I missed Michelle. Joanne wasn't the same. And I almost never saw Elizabeth or the children's garden person. I wanted to see Elizabeth and the children's garden person more if Michelle wasn't there. I didn't want to feel like I was the only girl working at the gardens, even though I knew I wasn't the only girl. It just felt like I was the only girl since I never saw any of the other women. Then, one day, Michelle stopped by for a few minutes. Seeing her was like a breath of fresh air. For those few minutes I saw Michelle, I didn't feel as alone, didn't feel like the only girl who worked at the gardens. But she still had another three weeks before Michelle would be back at work. I was sad when she left minutes later. Once again I felt completely alone.
    For three weeks I reveled in my misery at work. I would beg my friends to stop by if they were able to. But my friends were too busy with school to ever stop by. And I understood why they couldn't stop by. One Friday, when I relieved Roy from IC (Information Center) duty, he was quite glad to get out of there. The next week Michelle would be back. I was still frustrated with feeling so alone in the IC. But I could make it until next week when I would see Michelle again, and I would have company most of the time I was in the IC. But something unexpected was going to happen the next week. Something that I was unprepared for was going to happen the next week.
    The next week I began dreading going to work. I had forgotten that Michelle was back at the gardens. I didn't really want to go to work without Michelle there. I wanted someone who would be there when I needed someone to just be there, when I needed to talk with someone. But then I remembered that Michelle was back this week. That threw my mood about going to work. I was suddenly happy to go to work. It meant that I would have company again, and would feel so alone all of the time. I drove to work and clocked in happily, knowing that having Michelle around again would make my life so much easier. Those first few weeks of working at Dow Gardens felt so easy, and I had come to feel at home with Michelle. And when Michelle left on maternity leave, I no longer had the person there to rely on when life was tough and I needed a friend to lean on.
    The moment I arrived outside of the IC, I could see Michelle talking with another member of the year round staff. I couldn't help but smile. For the first time in a long while, I knew that things would be okay. My friend was back. My closest friends were all going to school a minimum of forty-five minutes away from our home town. And so I didn't get to see them very often. And that was tough on me. I had to relearn how to make friends. And I had made some new friends. But none of them were the close friends like the ones I saw some of my friends making. And so when I met Michelle, and we began to get to know each other, I was quite glad to have made a friend so easily. And so I made my way into the IC, glad to be back with my friend.
    The rest of the afternoon we spent together working on getting ready for the next few days, which were the days that the annual Christmas walk would occur. We set up a new shelving unit together, we set out a number of poinsettias, and we talked. Well, Michelle did most of the talking. She was having a bad day, and to have me there meant she had someone to listen. Late that afternoon, as I was walking out to the golf cart with another year round staff member, Michelle mentioned that I had been a great friend and listener that day. Michelle wrapped an arm around my shoulders as she said that. What a feeling. I felt like life was going my way again. I once again had a friend that would listen to me if I needed someone to talk to and someone that would just be there when I needed someone to just be there.
    In March I began working regularly again. And that was great. Michelle and I began seeing each other more often instead of on the occasional weekend. It was time to prep for butterflies in bloom. And that meant I spent some time in the conservatory keeping the floors damp so the humidity was good for the butterflies, and washing out pots that would later be used when plants were planted in the spring. But I also spent time during the prep for butterflies in bloom in the IC. One Friday, Michelle and I sat down together in the IC, to drink our hot chocolate, talk and help anybody that would come through. It felt good to just sit there together, and not have to be something that we weren't. We were able to just sit there and be ourselves, not pretending to be something that we weren't.
    On one Friday in late March or early April, before the doors opened, Michelle was working on fixing a wheel chair, and I was watering the plants throughout the IC. As I made my way over to the sink to refill the watering can, Michelle moved just enough that our bodies barley brushed. As soon as our bodies were done brushing each other, which barley lasted a couple of seconds, I came to realize that I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. I had finally come to a place that I could accept myself and my sexuality.
    Would I come out to my family and friends? Should I do it? How would people to react to my coming out? For two years I kept quiet. And then it was time to talk. It was time for me to open up and speak and break my silence. I was terrified of how people would react when I stood up and told them that this was who I am. I was terrified what would happen if my parents decided to reject me for my sexuality. I was afraid of losing friends and friends. I knew that when I came out, it would change my life forever. And then I met a person that I had never known. I met the me that was okay with whatever happened when I came out as gay. Facing the reality that I couldn't change my sexuality wasn't easy. But when I faced it, I was okay with being gay. I came out. And when I told my family. I told my friends. My family and friends accepted me as a lesbian. And it felt great. For the first time in my life, I was openly gay, and my family and friends were fine with me being gay.
    Recently more and more teenagers have taken their own lives. They took their lives because they didn't choose to be gay, and they were told that their sexuality was wrong. People tells gays that we are wrong, that we need to change and that we are choosing to feel this way. We didn't choose to be gay, just like we cannot choose to be a certain race. Is it wrong to fall head over heels for someone? Why should gays be told it's wrong to find our soul mates? Why should be forced to repress our feelings, and live a lie, and live in silence? Everyone else, who isn't gay, gets to find their soul mate. So why can't I? Why can't the gays find their soul mates? It's time to stop being afraid. It's time to stop being afraid. We want a chance to fall in love. We want a chance to live our lives without be discriminated against. I wish more people would accept gays and lesbians like me. I wish people would accept gays and lesbians as normal people, who just happen to have a different sexuality than most people in the world.
    I wish more people would be more accepting of gays and lesbians. I wish we could stop the hate that goes on every day. People don't understand how hard it is to be gay. They don't understand that being gay is something that we cannot control. They do not understand that it hurts when you tell us that we are choosing to be gay. They don't understand that so much of what you say about being gay isn't true. Please understand, we—the gays and lesbians—did not choose to be gay or lesbian. It was the way we were born. Please understand that we want to be loved just like anyone else. Please understand that we want to fall in love, just like anyone else. Understand that so many of us stay in the closet for so many years simply because we are scared of how people will react towards us.
    Even if you don't agree with me about gay and lesbian rights, or that our sexuality is the way we were born, please try to treat us as if we were any other person you met on the street. A tiny bit of kindness will go a long ways. And if you're a Christian the believes that being gay or lesbian is a sin, I beg you to take this next piece of advice. God told us not to judge others. So don't judge us for our sexuality. Remember the golden rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated.

12/26/2010

2010-12-26T15:28:00.002-05:00

This year Christmas was very relaxing, and a lot of fun. Yesterday my parents, my brother, and I spent the day hanging out together and opening presents. It was fun just relax and spend some time together. I highly suggest getting one or more of Christine Anderson's CD's of bell solos. I got one for Christmas, and it is a lot of fun to listen to being a bell player. I also suggest (if you love music) getting "Musicophilia tales of Music and the Brain" by Oliver Sacks (the awakenings guy). It is a good read.
Meanwhile I am still dealing with a cold that doesn't seem to want to go away. I miss feeling like normal. I guess that's life. I am seriously looking into going back to school and studying nurology. But that isn't certain yet.
This morning as I was listening to NPR, I heard somthing about what is the definition of rich is. The sad thing is that people that make 250,000 or more a year don't think of themselves as rich. They must be crazy to think that despite the fact that they are making 250,000 a year, and so many people are only making 20,000 a year, and you don't see yourself as rich. Hell, if I was making 250,000 a year I wouldn't be living with my parents still, I would be living on my own somewhere far from Midland, I would be giving some of that money away to people that need it more than I do, putting some of it away for my retirment, and not be spending it on mansions, hummers, or other crazy things. And what about the people that are making millions of dollars every year? Why can't they give a million dollars a year away to people that don't have any or much money? If you're making over a million a year, then you can handle giving away a million to people less fortunate than you.

12/19/2010

2010-12-19T09:22:00.002-05:00

8:30
It's spitting snow outside as I sit here in the nursery. We don't have any kids. So Katie is reading, I am writing this blog, and our confirmation helper is watching Anastaisia.
9:25
We just got our first kid of the day. He has been having a lot of fun, even though he is the only kid. Some kids enjoy themselves even when they are the only one here to play.

This week has been a weird one. My mom has been home all week sick. Meanwhile my brother and dad had exams this past week. My mom is beggining to feel better. I spent quite a bit of time in a local elementary school chasing people around.

12/13/2010

2010-12-13T10:47:00.002-05:00

The past few days have been fairly normal days for me. I've spent a lot of time reading. I've spent some time writing. On Friday I spent most of my day at a local elementary school volunteering. On Saturday morning my brother and I headed over to the publice library so that he could do some studying for exams and I could get out of the house to do some writing. I did get some writing done while we were at the library. Around mid-day saturday we headed home to eat lunch and do things around the house. I took a shower that afternoon, and got myself ready to head to Dow Gardens for the annual Christmas Walk. This year during the annual Dow Gardens Chirstmas walk, a couple of my friends came with me to sing while I played the piano. We had a lot of fun with it. That night I got home just as my parents were about to walk out the door to head over to a friends house for a small group meeting. That left my brother and I alone at home without any parents. So my brother and I had a quiet night at home, alone. We knew that it was supposed to begin snowing on Saturday night, so we were waiting for the snow to begin. I didn't see it start snowing. But on Sunday morning when I woke up, there was snow on the ground, and it was still snowing out. I had to work in the church nursery on Sunday morning, and we had one child who was fasinated by the snow falling outside of the window. It snowed throughout the day, on and off. I shoveled the driveway two times during the course of the day. Last night as my mom and I were watching the nightly news, my mom got a call saying that the school district that she works for was going to be closed tomarrow. As we watched some TV last night, we saw that the school that I am volunteering in (and the school district it is a part of) was going to be closed today. Sometime overnight the university that my dad is tutoring at and taking classes at, and that my brother is going to for nursing closed. So none of us have anything going on today.
Today I am hoping to get some good work done on my novel. I am trying to finish it by the first of the year. I really want to finish this thing so that I cann decide wether or not to look for a publisher, or self publish, or not to publish at all. I have been having so much fun writing this novel simply because of the twist and turns I never expected, and that I only found out about because I listened to what the characters were telling me.
Back to the novel!

Blogging---12/8/2010

2010-12-08T17:10:00.003-05:00

I've been really bad about blogging latley. Well, really since last December. Today I decided to get into the habit of blogging regularly again. So I began trying to think of a topic to blog about on a regular basis. I haven't been able to think of a good one. So I decided that I would just force myelf to sit down Monday through Friday to blog at least two blogs. Sounds reasonable right?? I have a feeling I'll end up blogging about the random things that happen in my life, or whatever I am writing at the moment. So here I go.

Update on today.
I spent most of the day at church. Not all bad. I didn't get any writing done. I did get some good planning done with a local teacher, whose room I will be volunteering in starting on Friday. I am gearing up for Dow Garden's Christmas Walk on Saturday night when I will be playing the piano outside of the H.H. Dow home. What else happened today? I took a shower. I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. Nothing too exciting happened today. I am going to be working in the church nursery tonight. I have bells after the church service tonight. While I was at church, I saw someone I hadn't seen in quite a while. I saw the person who took my senior pictures. I hadn't seen her in a while, but I have seen her kids fairly regularly. It was nice seeing her out and about. Signing off for today.

November in review

2010-12-08T09:32:00.002-05:00

November is over. It's been over for a week. I did do NaNoWriMo, and I wrote over 50000 words! But I didn't finish the novel. So I have been slowly picking away at it as I set a deadline of January 1 2011 to finish it. Then I'll have to set anouther deadline for revisions.

In October I was looking for an idea to write about during NaNoWriMo. I did eventually find the idea that I would write about. What amazed me was how different the idea I wrote in November was from previous ideas I had for things I have written. The one thing that was similar to previous things I have written is that the main character is gay. But other than that, the story line and the characters were so much different. For one thing, one of the minor characters who is also gay was married to a man for several years before coming out and breaking off their marriage. Anouther thing that is so different is the fact that these characters have let me into their thoughts and feelings by letting me see their journals.

October leads to November

2010-10-27T13:16:00.002-04:00

October means that November is right around the corner. Wait a moment! It's the end of October!!! Whatever happened to this month??? That means I have less than a week to prepare for nanowrimo (www.nanowrimo.org). Crap. I have no idea what I'm writing this year. I don't have any characters. I don't even have a hint of a plot. All I have is me, myself, and I, my laptop, and an abundance of time next month. I'm a little freaked out that November is approaching quickly. I'm despretly trying to fnd a plot and characters to write about. I just read the first e-mail from my ML. And there was a great line in it that I wish both made me laugh, and also gave me a good idea for a novel to write next month. Instead the line only made me smile. This particular line goes as follows "...clown-fearing ninja and his unfortanate escapades through France in pursit of the Queens underpants.". Too bad my brain isn't in creative mode. Otherwise I could turn that line into a full novel. I think I'll go back to my brainstorming now.

It's September

2010-09-13T12:40:00.002-04:00

I know I know. I haven't posted ANYTHING is several months. Depressing? Yes. Sad? I don't really know. What I do know is that I've been busy working for the Great Lakes Loons chasing down the next paycheck, working my arse off for little to no pay, and getting more and more frusterated with the work and some (I SAID SOME NOT ALL) of the staff I work with/for. Right now the Loons are in the midst of the playoffs. At least the playoffs won't take too much longer. Now on to the other going ons of my life at the moment, or maybe of the summer. I'm still working in the church nursery. Sounds fun right? It could be if we got more kids than we did this summer. Typically we only had one to two kids on any given sunday morning. I went to Wisconsin for the family reunion. That was fun. I met my mom's cousin, David, and his partner Andrew. It was fun meeting them. It was also fun seeing my aunts, uncles, and cousins.

I'm definatly looking forwards to November and Nanowrimo. The only problem is I really want to start writing right now. But it's not November yet!

There's so much, yet so few words...

2010-06-15T18:11:00.001-04:00

There's been a lot going on in my life latley. But I just don't have the energy to write about it all. And there's been even more on my mind. So I've been praying a ton, which has proboly been the reason I've had the energy to keep chasing kids everywhere.

Continuing on with Nanowrimo

2010-03-28T14:44:00.002-04:00

So during November 2009 I spent way too much time working on writing a novel for national novel writing month. And now I am on the cusp of starting Scriptfrenzy, 30 days to write a hundred page screenplay. And what am I doing besides preparing for script frenzy? I'm also preparing to begin writing a series of novels that techincally could be read on their own, but each focusing on a single character's life from my first ever nanowrimo novel. A little scary to think that I could come up with four to five books about the same family.
I shal try to keep you updated on how things go, although knowing how busy I tend to be, it might be hard to do. But I will try to keep up with it all.

Project for Awesome

2009-12-18T11:52:00.000-05:00

Watch my video, and other nerdfighters videos, comment on them, rate them and favorite them and help us take over youtube!

The Donate Buton explination (AKA raising money to record my first album)

2009-12-08T20:09:00.004-05:00

As you may notice, if you are a regular visitor to my blog, you'll notice that I added a donate button. Now to explain why I added this donation button, and what that's all about. Since the middle of last week I have been debating weather or not to record a solo album. I did some research, and there is a recording studio in Saginaw that I can do the recording at. And so I had to do some research into how much time and money it would cost me to record the album. I ended up figuring between five and 30 hours to actually record it; which comes out to between 200 and 1200 dollars just for the recording sessions. After that I'm guess up to 150 dollars on CD's, CD cases, and the insert to go with a CD depending on how many CD's I can sell.

Here's where the donation button comes in--
To record I need money, and to make copies of it I need money. And in all honesty I have no money right now since I just payed my tuition today (a grand total of 1294.70 dollars). So if you click on the donate button, you can donate any amount of money you feel like you want to donate so I can record and put out the album. Also, if you are like me and completley broke another way you can help me out is by going to the following link:
http://whyarentyouholdingme.blogspot.com/
and commenting on your favorite set of lyrics so I know which songs are the most popular and should turn up on the CD.
So go donate and help me pick out which songs to include.

Life is too short. Do something fun today.

Two Months

2009-12-08T13:07:00.002-05:00

It's been nearly two months since I came out. Wow. Has it really been that long?

I've had a fair share of things happen since then. Everything that has happened somehow worked out so well. I honestly never thought that people would be so cool when I came out, and were so accepting of me. Nobody seemed to question it. But people did come up to me and wanting to make sure I was doing okay, and wanting to make sure I was holding up okay; that I was doing okay.

And things are going well. I've made the transition from being in transition from being in the closet to being completely out.

NaNoWriMo novel update

2009-12-07T11:55:00.002-05:00

I've spent the whole morning thinking about the novel I wrote for National Novel Writing Month. I also spent about two hours last night thinking about it. Since I started really thinking about it, it hit me that I really haven't finished the novel. Sure I crossed the 50,000 word mark making me a winner of NaNoWriMo (www.nanowrimo.org), but that doesn't mean that I really finished the novel. When I was at the end of November, and trying to cross the 50,000 word mark, I thought I had the novel just about done. But what I didn't realize at that time was how much more to the novel there was, and just how much I yet had to write.

When I first began writing the novel, I thought that it would be in two parts. Half of it would be about one family and the second half would be about a different family. That came true. But what I didn't realize was that there were two other parts I hadn't even thought about exploring. Those two parts are about two different characters that appear in each of the original two parts (One of them in the original part one, and the other in the original part two). So now I am going attempt to write the two parts that I haven't written yet and get them put into the novel. I hope it works out.

NaNoWriMo novel and other stuff going on in my life

2009-12-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

NaNoWriMo Novel:
My nanowrimo novel came out in two parts. Part one was a part that I knew almost exactly would happen since I decided to write this novel near the end of October. The second part was harder to write because it didn't pop into my head until later in the month. Rachel appears in the second part of my nanowrimo novel, which challenged me. The characters in the second part were more difficult to predict, so I spent a lot of time staring at the computer screen trying to figure them out. But I enjoyed writing the second part so much because the characters challanged me in ways I didn't expect. Rachel was one of the characters that got to me. Some of the things she has to go through during her life weren't easy to write because I knew how much those experiences could hurt because I went through a time when I didn't know if those situations were ones I could experience during my life. Naturally that made me not want to hurt her, but in the end I did end up putting her in some tough situations that I don't anyone ever wants to experience. One of my favorite parts to write was one that I am experiencing myself at the moment. I loved writing that part not only because I'm experiencing that situation myself, but also because it's a part of life for everyone who falls in love and is trying to figure out how to tell the person they fell in love how they feel.

My life:
Tonight I have my first piano recital since June 2006 at 6:30PM at the Midland Center for the arts. I feel like I have been working on the two peices I will be playing tonight in front of the rest of my teachers students and their families for a good two months, but one I have been playing for nearly four months, and the other I've only been playing for a month. I am definatly excited for tonight. Thankfully after my first several years of lessons (Febuary 2000 through June 2006), I played in roughly 13 of my piano teachers recitals, played in Keyboardfest five times, and did the piano SAT testing here in town (aka theroy, technique, and preformance testing.), I have become used to playing in front of people even if I don't know them. Exmple: The first year I did the piano SAT testing here in town I was in seventh grade. I was completley prepared for it when I got to the church it is held at, even though I had no idea how it was set up, how the piano I was to play for the preformance aspect would play. I found out upon my arrival with my mom that I was going to have to do my preformance for a judge in the front of the sanctuary. EEEK! That was a scary thought, for that meant the seventh grade me, who had never done this before, was going to have to walk down the isle and past the judge before I reached the piano. Not exactly the best situatin for the tiny seventh grade me who had never done this before, was super nervous about playing for a judge, and was rather shy. So yeah...if you have every played in a competition or played for a judge wether it was for testing (like the piano SAT I went through four times, and yes I did want to do it all four times. I think I rather like putting myself in places where there is a challange.) or for a competition, I think you'll understand the nerves that can accompany playing in front of a judge where it is only you.

I know my piano teacher has quite a few begginer students, and most of her students are younger than me, which of course adds an element that is interusting. Younger kids always look up to those who are older than them. It's true. Just ask the elementary version of myself who looked up to the middle-schoolers who were acolites at church. Little kids ALWAYS look up to people who are older than them, especially when the person they look up to can do something better than they can. I know that the older kids that are playing tonight also look up to people, after all doesn't everybody have someone they look up to for one reason or anouther? One of the things I can remember during my high school years of playing the piano, taking lessons, and playing in recitals, and getting to see a concert pianist play here in Midland with the symphony orchestra in November 2004. What amazed me about that convert was that the concert piansist was only a year older than me (litterally she's something like one year and eleven days older than me!), and she was playing so well. During the Winter 2007 semester here at Delta, I took a class called piano 2. Basically it was a group piano class where we all were supposed to be learning to play the piano. I honestly would have tested into piano three if piano three was offered, so I found the class quite easy. Each class (once a week on Mondays that semester) we had to play a peice we had been given the week before. That first preformance we played in front of the class with everyone listening to you play. When it came my turn, I pretty much knew I was one of the better players in the class, and I had the peice practically memorized it was so easy. So I played. I could sense that people in the class were amazed by how well I was playing. It wasn't that the other people in the room were bad, but it was that I had more playing time from six years of lessons before this class. So yeah. I don't know how people are going to react to what I am playing tonight during the recital, but I do know that I can play both peices well, and will be fine. Although I am also sure that I will eaither make a mistake or won't do something dynamic wise that I won't be happy with. That's just what happens when you play the piano and are playing at the level I am-you get mad at yourself over the tiniest mistakes that nobody else notices because you know you could have done that so much better.

I miss being that little sixth and seventh grader who played the piano so kid-like. When I see a lot of adult players/older piano players and the kid players play one after anouther, it hits me how much fun the kids have, and how little fun the older students tend to have. That's something that I've been having to push myself to do-be more of a kid when I play the piano. What I've found is that the more I enjoy playing, the more I think like a kid would, the better I play and the more fun I have.

Life is too short. Do something fun today.

November re-run

2009-12-03T09:40:00.002-05:00

As you may very well know, I participated in National Novel Writing Month this November. I really wanted to finish with 50000 words or more, and I did. But the thing that amazed me was how much writing that happened during the last eight days of November. I actually wrote 17000 words those last eight days, which averages out to 2125 words a day if I had written every day. But I didn't write every single day those last eight days. During the last Tuesday of November, I spent most of my day in Delta's library in the far back corner on a computer writing about 8000 to 9000 words. I then spent Monday November 30 writing about 8000 words. Most Tuesdays were spent in the back corner of the Delta library between classes writing my heart out, and trying to catch up on my word count since I spent most of the month behind on my word count. On Monday November 30, I crossed the finish line of 50000, validating with the nanowrimo site at 50025 words, even though my word document showed my word count as 50050. I validated at about 3:30 that afternoon, and then headed home via bike with way too much pent up energy from the month of November. After all I spent all of November keeping up with classes, homework, piano lessons, bell rehearsals, bell performances, driving to and from classes, and sitting in front of a computer typing away. And I had drunk a little too much caffine than I should have. So I naturally had some pent up energy to release, so it felt good to head home on bike and use some of the pent up energy. If there is one thing I could suggest to any future nanowrimos, it is that you don't leave the last 8000 words to write until the last day of November, because you are likely to quit like I nearly did in the five minutes before crossing the finish line.

Even though I crossed the finish line of 50000 words, I haven't finished the novel yet. So, I have challanged myself to finish the novel by January first. I don't know if I'll make it, but hey, I didn't know if I'd finish nanowrimo. So I shall let you know if I make the January first deadline.

Past, Future

2009-12-03T09:35:00.000-05:00

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear

Courage don't desert me now
now that I'm taking one step at a time
I can't turn back now that I'm here
life is full of choices
and no one mentions fear
of how people will react

Somewhere down this world
people will find themselves more accepting
having realized how wrong they were
about causing so much fear
in so many

Back to who I was
and onward
to find the future
on this journey to the past
one step at a time
one foot in front of the other

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear

I wont turn back
I can look back and remember
but I can't go back to who I was
who I used to be
too much has changed
and those changes
have changed my life for the better

One step at a time
who knows where this road may go
there are things I still need to know
and I hope this road leads me forward
into the future

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
arms open wide
as they wait for me
to appear

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-18T08:10:00.002-05:00

So things are crazy, have been crazy the past day or so. Yesterday I had a little too much caffine (double latte, three cokes) throughout the day, and therefore couldn't go to sleep last night until about 1am. And I had to get up at 6:30 this morning so I could get to school by eight to get some work done on my novel. And so I am now working on my carmel double latte, and typing this post. Dang coffee!!!! Yesterday I wrote over 3000 words. Yesterday I lost myself a few times in the process of writing a novel, and found myself at a loss for words and didn't know where to go next. And so now, I am going to go back to my word document and try to loose myself.

One month later

2009-11-12T08:47:00.004-05:00

"Don't turn back now that we're here
people always say
life is full of choices
no one ever mentions fear
or how the world can seem so vast
on a journey to the past
somewhere down this road
I know someones waiting
years of dreams just cant be wrong
arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
finally home where I belong
well starting now I'm learning fast
on this journey to the past
home
love
family
there was once a time that I must of had them too
home
love
family
I will never be complete until I find you
one step at a time
one hope then another
who knows where this road may go
back to who I was
on to find my future
things my heart still needs to know
yes, let this be a sign
let this road be mine
let it lead me to my past
and bring me home
at last"
from the song "Journey to the Past"
from the movie "Anastasia"

It will have been a month ago as of tomorrow. That thought is a bit scary. It was about a month ago that I officially came out to friends and family on facebook. I know it seems weird that I did it on facebook. But it worked out for me, and things changed quite a bit since then.
Two months ago:
School was getting going, and I was beggining to consider how to come out to everybody that didn't know (which was most of everybody that knows me.). I can clearly remember sitting in the back of the library roughly where I sit now writing this blog post, looking at my facebook page, and thinking about coming out. I nearly did it in that first month, but I didn't know what words to use, who to tell first, how they would react when they found out, so it didn't happen in September, but it nearly happened several times.
One Month ago:
Sitting back in the library again near where I am sitting now, I was staring at my facebook page on several different ocasions, with a blank message open ready to do it, but unsure of what words to use. Several times I thought about doing it, but I didn't do it. I didn't write the words. October 13 rolled around, and throughout the day I just sat there at a computer working on various things for classes and projects I had going at the time. At one point I opened up a blank message again, and began typing, but it didnt feel quite right; as if I wasn't supposed to come out that way. At 2:53 I deleted that message, and did a status update saying "Why are some things so difficult?". Half an hour later, a good friend of mine left me a comment saying "So that you learn how to overcome adversity!". Twenty minutes pass, and I read my friends comment on that status update. That's when I suddenly typed the following into the status update bar: "I Guess things are difficult so we overcome adversity. I guess it's time for me to say it. Maybe it'll get eaisier the more I do this. I'm gay."; and hit the submit button. With that I broke down momentarily before realizing that I had to leave for class, that I had finally come out, and felt unsure of how people were going to react. So I logged off, and went to class. After class I got back to the library, and logged into facebook to see if anyone had commented on that status update or sent me a message. I ended up with four comments on the status and two messages about the status update. It was 7:13pm, and I finally knew how people were reacting to my coming out. Nobody reacted poorly. Everybody was so positive and encouraging. By Sunday evening had such a good feeling about finally being out. That night I was working in the church nursery for a class that was going on, and for whatever reason the bell choir director, who I have now known for over a year, was at church for something or other. She stopped by the nursery that night, and grabbed my attention. Thankfully there were two other people working, so it wasn't a big deal that I left for a couple of minutes to talk to the bell director. As soon as I got out into the lobby area where Dianne was standing waiting for me, she said something to me (I can't believe that I don't remember what she said. somedays I want to beat myself over the head for not remembering or recording what she said to me.), and gave me a great big hug. I just remember how positive she was about my coming out, and how supportive she was. I can remember just about crying in that moment when she hugged me because I had had no idea how she would react, and for the first time in my life I felt like I could completley be myself and not have to worry about being judge for it.
Today:
It's amazing how far I've come in a month. A week or so ago I was out at lunch with the bell choir I play with at church to celebrate one of the bell choirs members 50th anniversary. At that point, someone came over to me and asked a couple questions about how I was doing and how my family was holding up after my having come out. I answered her questions, and for one of the first times in my life I knew just how much had changed for me. I felt so free, so much more like who I know I am, and didn't feel like I was going to be judged anymore. Cut to last night at the bell choir rehearsal. On Sunday we are doing all of the non-hymn music for one of the services because we have had a bell choir for ten years now. So this week we had rehearsals on Monday and last night. We have another one on Saturday morning from nine until noon, and will be at church at 7:30 am on Sunday morning to warm up for the 8:45 service. Back to last nights rehearsal. There were times when I looked at the bell director, and our eyes connected, and it just felt like there's a connection there that wasn't there before I came out. Later on in the rehearsal we had a break. So one of my friends and I were sitting there together in two different pews. I was behind and to my friends left. I can't remember what we were talking about even. But we were having a conversation that I can see myself having had a year ago. This friend I was talking to was the same one with some questions for me a week or two ago at that lunch I mentioned. It's amazing how quickly things changed for me.

Chart Jackers-all the possiblilities

2009-10-22T08:38:00.004-04:00

I've been attempting to keep up with this thing called chart jackers on youtube. Basically they started off wanted to create a song that they will make money from that then will be donated to children in need. This children in need thing is a UK way to raise money for children who are in need. I know Children in Need has used the UK casts of musicals to help get donations and do preformances. I thought it might be fun if those of us here in the US could do something like this. The only problem is I don't know how many people would want to do this here in the US. We also could use help from outside of the US if anybody outside of the US wanted to help us.

"The Perfect Wrong Note Learning to Trust Your Musical Self"

2009-10-22T08:25:00.002-04:00

My piano teacher is having me read this book. It is quite amazing. I suggest reading it if you are in music.

The Begginings

2009-10-14T10:01:00.002-04:00

The past couple of days have been life changing days that are days I probably won't ever forget. I think I should tell this story knowing that there are people out there that have gone through or are going through some of the things that I've experienced during the last week. Here I go. Quite a while ago, I came out as gay. Yet, very few of my closest friends knew I was gay. I told my four closest friends from high school back in September 2008. Yet I still I hadn't told my family or the rest of my friends. Fast forward to Wednesday of last week. I was beginning to consider if I wanted to come out to my family and the rest of my friends who I hadn't come out to yet. So for most of last week I spent quite a bit of time thinking about if I was ready to come out to other friends. Then yesterday I was at school all day, and I posted a status update on my facebook about how I was wondering why some things are so hard. I got a comment from a friend. That comment meant so much to me, and I realized that I was ready to come out to people, and was able to come out to a bunch of my friends via status update on facebook. The number of comments and private messages I received that were coming to me with support was so amazing.

#4

2009-10-14T08:20:00.002-04:00

Three years ago
I finally began to come to terms
with everything that's going on
I had to come to terms with it
I had to learn what to do
and how to live with everything

A year passes
and all I know is how to do
is hold it in
repress things I know
repress part of who I am
I can't let this get out yet
'cause then everything will be so hard to coupe with
and I won't know how

Another year passes
and I'm beginning to do more than survive
and maybe I'm ready
to tell people
who I am
where I am

Going back to then

2009-10-13T10:10:00.002-04:00

Today I wanted to go back to something that happened over a year ago. On 9/10/08 I finally came out as gay right here on this blog. Right now I am writing this blog and watching a youtube video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvmRBeR4iU4&feature=quicklist
The video is one from a channel called the beaverbunch. They are an amazing group of people that do regular video blogs about various topics related to the GLBT community and questions people have for them. So back to what I really started off blogging about that I really wanted to blog about today. Back when I first came out, it was amazing some of the responses that I got from peopl that I know personally that just casually read this blog. So many people were so accepting of the fact that I am gay. I wish I had kept a message I revieved via facebook from a friend after she read my blog on 9/10/08 because that message was such a good one to recieve. At that point in my life I was so scared how people were going to react to me coming out. So in recieving that message from a friend I begin to realize that people would eventually come around to the idea that I am gay. I also wanted to go a little bit into my coming out story/stories.

The first time I came out was on this blog on 9/10/08. That was a big thing because it was the first time I really said it and began to admit it to the world. Exactly a month later on 10/10/09 I posted a youtube video on my channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/ppmusic06) during which I came out again. Last fall I was at a grocery store in Midland for an interview, and was getting some pens and pencil for my classes. While I was waiting to check out, a guy walked up behind me to check out. The two of us started talking about school stuff and somehow the conversation came to relationships. It was just aukward for me to have to tell a complete stranger that I am gay, yet when he found out he was fine with finding out.

#3

2009-10-07T09:13:00.005-04:00

It's been a long day
and I'm finnally getting home
I'm so ready for a show
and I'm ready to get in bed
and fall asleep

7pm
class has finally finished
tigers game is still going on
and it's ties at four-four
I hope they win it
hope they make it too the playoffs

9pm
tigers game is still going on
now tigers are up five to four
maybe they'll win it all
come on guys
lets get three quick outs to end this game

9:20pm
the twins scored
that can't be good
please hold them off
and score a run in the next inning
please win this game

9:40
The twins scored
and the tigers didn't
and so that's that
the game is over
the tigers aren't in the playoffs
when the blew an eight game lead

Finally home
jump in the shower
let the water wash over me
wash away the pain of loosing against to the twins
I'll go to bed and things will be better tomarrow

#2

2009-10-06T13:30:00.001-04:00

We've been together for quite some time
and you've been there when I needed you
I've been there when you needed me
I've known you since I was ten
you were two
but that didn't mean we couldn't be friends
we were friends from the start
we were friends as soon as we meet

Speeding down this road
all I can think of is the horizon
and of who I was
and the life I can sense is out there waiting for me

I'm miles from everything I've grown up with
yet my eyes are on what lies ahead
the horizon I can only barley see
the only thing still with me on this road
to my new life
is you, my life long friend
you're the only thing with me that has been constant

Speeding down this road
all I can think of is the horizon
and of who I was
and the life I can sense is out there waiting for me

I look back once
but don't look back again
knowing that that's when I wounder if I'm in the right place
wounder if I'm doing the right thing
instead of looking back at the life I once had
I look at you, who is standing at my side
and who is supporting me all the way

And you are there every time I need you
You're always at my side
when you least expect
opportunity walks through the door
and that's when it hits me-this is my chance
my chance to spread my wings
see things from a different view
see you chasing after me down on the ground
as I fly through the air

In a way I've lost you
as I move on with my life
even though you've been with me this long
even though you're still there next to me
even though you're bellow me, chasing me down as I fly through the air
I guess it's time to let go
let things happen when they happen

why aren't you holding me now
why are you so far from me
why aren't you at my side
where are you when I need you the most
are you just a figment of my imagination
or are you real
why am I alone
why am I so alone?

2009-10-06T00:00:00.002-04:00

I've had mixed results
in what I've tried to do
and ended up doing
I guess that's to be expected
I really need to get my head on straight
so things don't get so mixed up

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

here I go
I can't back down
I have to go in
and do this; head into the unknown

I could crash and burn in my attempt
to find myself in this world
where I seem to have lost myself
and I am ready to crash and burn
after all that seems to be how I'll find myself
and that's okay with me

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

it seemed so scary when I would crash and burn when I was younger
but now it seems like one possibility of how to find myself in this world
sure I've had mixed results in everything I've done
but isn't that normal for some?

After I crash and burn
I'll come out,
and then I'll shine like the sun
and I won't give up, even though there aren't any guarantees that I'll succeed
but why give up,
there's always tomorrow to try again

there's always tomorrow
I can try again tomorrow if it doesn't work today
I can try again tomorrow if things don't work out today
I can try again tomorrow
'cause there's always tomorrow
there's always tomorrow
there's always tomorrow

I thought I would start a new series of posts here. I wanted to get back to doing this kind of post again. A while ago I was posting a series of blogs that were just poems/lyrics for songs. I wanted to get back to this for several reasons that I won't go into completley, but I thought it might be interusting to see progression of my life in these lyrics/poems.

Sickness

2009-09-29T20:17:00.003-04:00

It's the fall, and you know what that means! It means it's that time of year when everyone ends up sick. Thankfully I've been dealing with a cold that isn't all that bad, so I haven't had to slow down or miss too much. I am not looking forward to this flu season for one simple reason--I'm spending 8+ hours a week around children under the age of 6. If you have children, or know anything about children, you'll know that they carry sickness with them wherever they go. Naturally that makes me more immune to getting a bit sick and catching whatever the children I am working with have or get. I'm literally forcing liquids down my throat in an attempt to keep me from getting too sick. After all the more water I'm drinking the more of a chance of flushing out any bugs I might catch. I've literally downed about 1500 ml today alone. No wounder I feel like I've spent so much time in the bathroom. Did I mention that whenever I wipe a runny nose in my church's nursery I use either soap and water or hand sanitizer directly after throwing out the Kleenex? I'd highly recommend using hand sanitizer. One thing that amazes me is the fact that I haven't ever had a sinus infection, and my parents are actually prone to sinus infections over colds. So how am I so lucky to only ever catch colds and never a sinus infection??? I can't answer that because I really don't know.

"Home"

2009-09-22T20:10:00.003-04:00

"Never feel alone
for I'll always be with you
home is where the heart is meant to be
you'll always have a home inside of me
And we will walk this road together
I'll shelter you from burden
just lean your weight on me
storms may bridge the distance
but you'll always have a home here
right here inside my arms
there's a love waiting just for you
I never know this form of love existed
a world away from love I had never known
so hold me in your arms
cause you'll be mine forever...
never feel alone
for I'll always be with you
home is where the heart is meant to be
you'll always have a home inside of me
no matter where the journey leads you
if your path leads you somewhere new
you'll always have a home in this heart of mine
so hold me in your arms
you'll be mine forever
and when you lay inside my arms
I'll protect you for always
never feel alone
I'll always be with you
home is where the heart is meant to be
you'll always a home inside of me"
Scott Alan

The Emmys...WOW!

2009-09-21T10:07:00.005-04:00

So I didn't actually watch the emmys, but I did hear a bid about them this morning. As I was watching Good Morning America, they did a short clip on the emmys with various interviews and clips of the acceptance speeches. I was jumping up and down when I saw the Kristin Chenoweth won an emmy for best supporting actress (THANKS ABC FOR CANCELING PUSHING DASIES! YOU SHOULD'VE KEPT IT!) I didn't get to see or hear her acceptance speech, but I should be able to find it on youtube in the next couple of days. Most people who know of Kristin Chenoweth will know of her because she won a tony for her role in You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, she has starred in several musicals including Phantom (the predecessor to Andrew Llyod Webbers The Phantom of the Opera), Wicked, The Apple Tree, starred in Pushing Daisies, and also starred in The West Wing. I naturally wanted to know more, so I took a quick look at news stories about her win. Here's what I was able to gather:

it's not unprecedented for a show to win an emmy after it's been canceled, but it is RARE, so it was no wounder that Kristin was shocked when she won.
she is making an apperance on an upcoming episode of FOX's Glee. (YIPEE for Cheno sightings!)

I guess while backstage Kristin was checked out by paramedics because she was complaining of a severe migrane headache, but recovered and was doing fine.

And what was I doing while all of this was happening??? I was busy with a bunch of things. I was at church from 3:30 pm until about 7PM for two different things. I was there until just after six to work in the nursery for a couple kids that needed child care during a women's potluck (THANKS for feed the kids and the two of us who worked!), then I headed over to the youth center to meet our new youth director, and let him know I can chaperone. Once I got home it was time to watch some sunday night football and have some microwave popcorn (YUM!!!).

Two (well, really three) in one day

2009-09-15T19:13:00.003-04:00

So this is my second post of the day on this blog, but my third overall. But that's not my point.

Some time ago I was watching the news, and there was something they mentioned that I had to check out. The news mentioned a site called wish upon a hero (www.wishuponahero.com) and people can use it for free. You set up an account. Then you can search wishes and help people get their wishes. You can also post your wishes. I suggest going there--you never know what will happen.

9/15/09 update

2009-09-15T11:55:00.002-04:00

I thought I'd share something here that I am about to share on my other blog (www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com), with a part of the story behind how this came about.

I can't wait to see you
can't wait to hear your voice
or feel your presence next to me
and I've learned the most from watching you
more from you
than from the teacher I'm with
I know the theory
I know the kids
and I've found myself thinking
that someday I want to be in your shoes
I want to be the owner
I want to do the hiring
but most of all
I want to be a director
you've been teaching me-
without even realizing it-
what I need to know to be the director
that I am
so I'll follow my teacher's lead
I'll take everything in
and in the end
I'll begin to plan my future

In my other blog, there will be more as to the project that I am working on that this will be apart of. But now for the true story behind this. I've been spending so much more time with two year olds now that I am going with the child development program at school. In the process of that I've meet quite a few people that work at child care centers, or are directors of child care centers. The thing I kept finding was that the more time I spent in these child care settings was that I might start my own child care center after I finish this program. There have been two people that really have gotton to me (Karen and Marla). Karen is the director of one child care center that I really liked, and am hoping to eventually get a job at after I finish this program. Marla is someone I work with in my church's nursery, and has been great...she got me going with teaching two-year-old sunday school (who knew it woould take so much work to plan for two year old sunday school???).

I'm back

2009-09-01T10:24:00.002-04:00

I should be doing regular Tuesday posts starting today and going through mid-December. Which will be nice to get into a routine of blogging again.

The Loons (http://www.loons.com) made it into the playoffs (YAY!). So, come to the first playoff game at home on Wensday August 9 at 7:05 pm (doors open at 6 pm), tickets are available and start at seven dollars. Hopefully they'll do well in the playoffs. School starts today for me (WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SUMMER?).

I've been working on writing a musical (go to my other blog for more on this at http://www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com). Here's the short update--lyrics are done, and music is coming along slowley, but that's okay. I'm about to go and do a longer update post on the details for the musical on the blog I mentioned earlier in this paragraph, but only after I've finished this post. A big thing I'm considering doing is a sort of concert of the music from the musical with a few different voices when I get the music written so I can get a feel for how it will sound, and also get feedback from vocalists and from possible viewers of the show. I'd like to hear what people think of this idea--so if you've seen something like this idea, leave me a comment here or e-mail at MNNVmidland@yahoo.com with your comments about how concerts like this have gone (did they work or not?).

2009-08-12T10:36:00.002-04:00

I don't know which part is harder...not knowing where you'll be tomarrow, today, next week, or not knowing when you're coming home. I miss you're smile... Wrote Jennifer in her letter to Kathrine while Kathrine was deployed in Iraq. After everything Jennifer had been through, it was the hardest thing that she had to do. After Coreen's death, Jennifer wasn't sure of how to get up in the morning without remembering how much she missed her first wife. When Kathrine and Jennifer had married, Jennifer was so glad to love and be loved again. But she didn't know how she would handle it when Kathrine was on patrol as one of Midland's police officers. But that fear, the fear of loosing to an out of control driver, was something of the past. Now that Kathrine was gone in Iraq, Jennifer was constantly scared...what if she got injured, what if she died, what if she never came back? There were so many questions, and nobody could answer them for Jennifer.

Sunday afternoon baseball

2009-08-10T10:00:00.005-04:00

Yesterday afternoon was one of the Loons last Sunday afternoon home games, which turned out to be both a shut-out and one hot game. The Loon's not only had two home runs, but also shut out the Whitecaps with a score of 6 to 0. As for the heat-I would never suggest going to a baseball game when it is 90 degrees and humid out.

The weather truly stunk for those of us who were working. As usual I was at the hand dipped ice cream stand, which was undoubtedly busy. People wanted anything to cool off with. That off course meant water, ice cream, pop, and beer. I was just thankful that most people only wanted a cone, and not banana splits, hot fudge brownies, or sundaes. This stroke of luck speed (sp?) up the line considerably. Thankfully I had brought several bottles of water, so I didn't overheat, or end up dehydrated.

I hope I never have to work in 90 degree humid weather again!

I honestly don't know how many people know about the Great Lakes Loons, so I might as well share some info on them. The Great Lakes Loons are a single A affiliate for the Dodgers based in Midland, MI and are currently in their third season. The Michigan Baseball Foundation (MBF) in very much apart of the Loon's operations, and donates quite a bit of money to local organizations. Then there is Professional Sports Catering or PSC, which does all the food service at Dow Diamond. I know that if you go to http://www.loons.com you can buy tickets to games, see the season schedule, apply for jobs, view upcoming promotions, and quite a few other things. I suggest going to www.loons.com for more information.

Love

2009-07-31T23:30:00.002-04:00

"I've waited for the right time
that faight would be on my side...
falling in love
so foolishly
I'm tired of waiting...
just take the first step...
my simple request
and feight will seal the rest." "My Simple Request"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKMvIzLuwoA&feature=quicklist

This song is brilliantly written...and yes I chose only exerpts of it leaving out the funniest parts so you really have to watch the video to get an idea of how great this song is. But I chose just exerpts of it for a reason. As you may know (if you've been a frequent reader of this blog) that I am gay/lesbian depending on which you prefer to use. Growing up I knew that I was different, but I never really knew how to explain it or that there was a word such as lesbian/gay that described me to a tea. When it finally hit me that I am gay things really began to fall into place for me. So many of the feelings I had had were finally making sense; so naturally things began coming together. The part of the above quote about falling in love foolishly is so great. It really does bring out an element of my life that seems to happen over and over. There are so many people I've found myself attracted to that I simply can't have because they are straight (aka difference in sexuality!) so quite often (in fact most of the time when I do fall in love) I fall in love quite foolishly.

"What you don't know
is that I'd do anything for you
what you don't know is that
I'd do anything for you
Love me love me not
counting petals on the floor
stop being so afraid
to let our love become more
take me take me in
I won't let you down
I'm not running
I'm not leaving today...
Love me love me not
counting petals on the floor
stop being so afraid of letting our love become more
take me take me in
I won't let you down
I'm not running
I'm not leaving
I'm not hiding...
I'm not wanting anybody else today but you
just you" "Love me Love me not"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfjB0y2J5ss&feature=quicklist

This quote contains so much good advice for people at my age. So many people are so afraid of letting their love become more. For me it's something I do have to work at. So often I try to control my love knowing that it's possible that somebody I've fallen in love with might not be gay. I sometimes have to keep myself from running or hiding from who I am and who I have fallen in love with. The very beggining of the quote really gets me. I'd do just about anything for my friends; and I'm sure I'd do just about anything for somebody that I fall in love with and who falls in love with me.

2009-07-31T23:00:00.002-04:00

"I've got a hunger burning inside me
can not be denied...
that spark of creation...
spark of creation
is blazing through my blood...
the first inspiration
the spark of creation
I see a mountain
and I want to climb it
I see a river
and I'm utterly sure
where there was nothing
let there be someting
someting made by me
there are things waiting me to invent them...
I am an echo of
let there be a spark of creation
buring bright within me
a spark of creation
won't let me rest at all
until i discover
or build or uncover
a thing I can call my celebration
a spark of creation
a spark of creation
may it burn forever
a spark of creation...
when your burn with a imagination
sooner or later your feeling the fire
get higher and higher
the spark of creation" "Spark of Creation"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk-da4405o0&feature=quicklist

"...The only demons
are all in my mind
was it his voice
was it his smile
I haven't felt so wonderful in quite a while
all of this time there was just me
maybe he's a preview of how good my life can be
I'm not alone
someones freed me from this lonely tower
someones by my side as I face the unknown
I'm not alone...
I'm not alone anymore
where there was one
now there are two
that's the kind of magic only love can do...
I can move a mountain now with just a single touch
I'm not alone
someones freed me from this lonely tower
someones by my side
as I face the unknown
I'm not alone...
I'm not alone anymore
I keep floating two feet off the ground
I forget my fears when he's around...
somebodys by my side as I face the unknown
I'm not alone...
I'm not alone
anymore" "I'm not Alone"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uedIMUuosnw&feature=quicklist

The above quotes are truley beautiful. The first quote says someting to the extent of wanting to move mountains when you see one...I understand that feeling. During late March 2007, I saw a mountain I wanted to move. That mountain became my two screenplays. I originally wanted to move anyone that might come across or read the first screenplay. It turned out that it moved how I view the world, and I acheived what I wanted. In that same quote there is something about a my celebration. In a way that first screenplay became my celebration of who I have become during the years, and a way of life that so many live, and so many people know so little about.

The second quote really gets me. For me, this would make so much more sense if you changed the word he or his to her or she. In so many ways there have been several people that did what that second quote says...One was Pat Gahn, anouther was Katie from the Loons, a third was Marj from the Loons, and a fourth that did it for me was Alyson from the Loons. In a way Pat freed me from the tower I was living in for so many years, and Marj, Katie, and Alyson has been at my side.

I should be posting anouther post later tonight (after I get this one up and going.) with some other things that I want to blog about, but that I feel belong in a different blog because of some things I want to write about it.

part two

2009-06-21T21:34:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I posted a short peice of something I had the idea for at work. Today I will post more of it, and once again a peice of it is based off of an idea I had at work yesterday, and a second peice of it based off of something I thought of tonight at work. Here I go!

Alyson isn't just a friend of Julia's, but also an arranger that helped Julia so much on her first solo album. It was that first solo album that Julia was doing a tour for now. As Julia got warmed up at that beat up grand piano on a stage in Midland, Michigan, Alyson scooted past Julia; and their eyes caught the others eyes. Alyson raised her eyebrows, and Julia couldn't help but smile. There was a mutual understanding in that raise of the eyebrows saying how chaotic things were, and yet how soothing it was to go through this routine of warming up and setting up with this touring band. Julia was wishing she could tell Alyson how much she loved her, and Alyson wished she could tell the world what she believed in and how wrong they were about who she is. Minutes passed, and they were ready for the concert. As they stood backstage, Alyson and Julia stood side by side silently. Alyson puts her hand on Julia's shoulder.

"You'll be fine." whispers Alyson

"I love you." replies Julia in a whisper.

Their eyes reconnect, and Julia walks out onto the stage to begin the show.

"Wow..." whispers Alyson to herself in surprise, "I never knew..."

The concert would be a hit amoungst the attendees. As everyone was standing, streching and walking out of the auditorium at the end of the show, no one realized what was about to happen backstage. The moment the final encore was over, Julia headed backstage to change into jeans and a T-Shirt as to be more comfortable on her way to the hotel. It was in the dressing room that Alyson awaitted Julia's arrival.

"Hey Alyson." says Julia

"Hey." replies Alyson, "You did great!"

"Thanks."

"I love you too."

2009-06-20T23:17:00.002-04:00

Tonight at work, I was standing there alone watching people and thinking. That was when I had an idea for a short story. This will be just the beggining of it, and I will (well hopefully will) post more blogs here with more of this story as it comes to me over the summer. Now I know my other blog is the one that I usually do the story stuff on, but I haven't posted here very often, so I thought this one could be my spifffy little blog here. Here I go!

As Julia stood there getting set up for the big concert, she began feeling a little stressed out; but that was normal. It was when she looked up from the piano that she was warming up at that she saw Alyson, who was looking her way. Alyson's look said it all-this was crazy, but the good crazy that really got you ready for a fun night.

"God I wish she knew how I feel" thinks Julia "I wish I could sing a song telling her I love her, proclaim it to the world without being rejected"

What Alyson had no idea about was the way Julia felt about her. Very few people knew that Julia is gay, and even though Alyson knew, she had no idea how much Julia loved her. Nobody really knew if Alyson was dating, and for that matter nobody really knew if she was straight or gay. The only thing Julia knew for sure was that Alyson was the women that she wanted to spend the rest of her life living with and loving with all of her heart.

Incompitent

2009-06-13T23:02:00.002-04:00

I still seem to be incompitent at finding love...but thats just my life. I've been hard at work on my novel titled "X Marks the Spot". Go to www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com for more information on how things are going with it.

Seeing how I am babysitting right now, and the kids are asleep, I am blogging. I got to thinking and it hit me just how profound something I wrote tonight for my novel is. I wrote "It is in loving that we learn to loose, and in loosing we love. And what happens when someone we love so dearly dies? We truley begin to understand how much they mean to the world, and to ourselves. Sometimes as we loose, and we in turn learn to love, we begin to appretiate ourselves more."

Just putting that out there for consideration.

Blood Donor

2009-05-23T12:00:00.002-04:00

Hey blog people!

This is my first post in a while. Sorry about that. I've been concentrating more on my other blog (http://www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com/), and on the novel and musical I have been writing. My other blog (click that link above to see it) is a lot of whats going on with that musical and novel. On to what I've been doing latley besides writing.

Work--

I'm working for a minor leauge baseball team called the great lakes loons (http://www.loons.com/) in food service. If you go to http://www.loons.com/ you can see our schedual and buy tickets, and see all kinds of other cool stuff. Tonights game will be my first night at the hand dipped ice cream, which I am quite excited about. I am also working in my church's nursery chasing kids around. The night before my 21 birthday I was working, and one of the kids drew me a cute picture that I have in my room.

Okay now to explain the title of this blog. I've been a blood donor for several years now. I highly sugguest it. Every pint of blood you donate can save up to three lives, which is brilliant. You can save up to three lives and only spend an hour of your time. The last time I donated I hit the 1 gallon mark! If you do decide to donate blood in your area, remember to drink LOTS of water beforehand and eat at least one healthy meal beforehand. It really will help. I've already drunk 1016 mL of water (thats just been since 8AM this morning). The more water you drink before donating blood the better, and you WILL spend a lot more time on the toliet that day.

I've got to get going to my other blog momentarly so that I can give that audience (which I'm sure is different than the audience of this blog) an update as to how some things are going. I'll let you all know how my blood donatation goes this morning.

<3

Erin

"Theres a fine fine line between a lover and a friend
theres a fine fine line between reality and pretend" Avenue Q

"ET"

2009-05-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

Earlier in the week I was watching the movie "ET" for the first time since I was in elementary school (hint: I'm 21). Yesterday one of my friends (Leesy) and I were on a little picture adventure, and we got to talking about the movie. Basically Leesy and I can remember our first experiences with ET. Mine was actually and amazingly great experience. I loved ET to death in elementary school, and can clearly remember wanting to take him home. Now on to my latest experience with ET...

Watching it this time, I had this clear feeling of wanting to just keep him forever. As ET died, I just about started crying...I really wanted him to live at that moment, and of course I didn't remember the ending, so I had no hope until the unexpected happened. It's that last scene, when the space ship door closes, and the last thing you see of him is his lit up red heart. That really got me. In all honesty I actually cried at the end. That last scene reminds me of the love and friendship ET and Elliot have and had for each other. It also makes me think of so many other things.

Donation button and more

2009-05-21T08:06:00.003-04:00

As you may have noticed, I added a donation button to my blog. I did this purposly so that people (only if you want to) can donate any amount of money to me. Any money donated is going to be used for getting my screenplays made into movies/films, getting my novel published (once i finish it), and getting my musical on some sort of stage when I finish the writing of the book lyrics and music.

As for my musical....
I wrote several new songs last night that will likley be placed in the second act. As I was cleaning out my desk last night (btw, who cleans out their desk on the 21 birthday??) I found some old poems I wrote, that I realized I could use for the musical if I just re-wrote a couple of the lines.

The bible...

2009-05-20T00:00:00.002-04:00

Okay this one is a quick one....
can someone tell me where (book and chapter) in the bible that says something against gay people/gay marriage. I was trying to find this tonight and was preocupied by the virus I was removing from my computer and couldnt find anything in any of my three different bibles. PLEASE HELP by telling me where to find this info...im really quite curious where it is.

Soundtrack of your life.

2009-05-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

Rules: Open your music player, and put on shuffel. Then plug in each title and artist for the soundtrack of your life.

Opening Credits: "Thank Goodness" from Wicked
Waking Up: "Thank God I Found You" by Mariah Carey
First Day At School: "Emmanuel" by Amy Grant
Falling In Love: "Good Old fasioned lover boy" by Queen (hehehehe--I'm gay)
Fight Song: "Planet Z" by Idina Menzel
Breaking Up: "Cant Let Go" by Mariah Carey
Prom: "Fathers Eyes" by Amy Grant
Life: "Without You" from RENT
Mental Breakdown: "Killer Queen" by Queen
Driving: "Love Song" by Hanson
Flashback: "La Vie Boheme B" from RENT
Getting Back Together: "I can Show You the World" from Aladin
Wedding: "I'll Cover You Reprise" from RENT
Birth of Child: "No One Mourns the Wicked" from Wicked
Final Battle: "Death of the Beast" from Beauty and the Beast
Death Scene: "He Lives in You" from The Lion King (the broadway musical version)
Funeral Song: "I'll Cover You" from RENT
End Credits: "Angels" by Amy Grant

Pictures!!!

2009-05-13T12:27:00.002-04:00

http://ppmusic2010.deviantart.com/

Above is the link to my deviant art page. Go check it out because that's where I will be posting all of my pictures that I take.

"A Little Bit Wicked Life, Love, and Faith in Stages"

2009-05-11T12:49:00.002-04:00

Okay from the title of this blog, some of you dear readers might know what book I am reading (aka the title of this blog is the title of the book). I'm reading it for the second time so I can do all the underlining I like...lets just say some librarians hate me. Once I own a book I write all over it so I can find my favorite bits.

On page five Kristin Chenoweth writes "I'm getting nervous. This doesn't happen much anymore. Like everyone around me, I'm a seasoned pro. Stage fright is a thing of the past. But tonight, as I prepare to step onstage, a hollow, little ice cube of doubt forms in the pit of my touch stomach. I close my eyes. Heavenly Father..."
I can remember reading this section the first time through, and completely getting it. As a middle schooler, I was the new kid with my piano teacher, and by far the least expereinced when it came to piano recitals, and on top of all that I was the begginer in the group of students at the recital. Just wait till you have to do this yourself...it can be more nerve wracking than you realize. Thank God for experience...the next piano recital I was much more relaxed...sure I still had a small case of nerves the next recital, but each recital it got so much better. I caught up with everyone else after about six months. Within a year I was towards the top of the group of us students. By the time I was during my junior year of high school, I was eaisly at the top, and ahead of everybody...during that time I would do the recitals and wouldn't have the nerves. I made some mistakes, and I would always end up laughing at my mistakes. Then my senior year at my last piano recital, I had nerves. The funny thing is that in March of 2006 I did a dinner theater at my church, and I didn't have any nerves that day.

Me

2009-05-08T10:07:00.003-04:00

Here I am
take me for what I am
don't tell what
or who
to be
just let me be me

last night I dreamed of you
dreamed of your touch
that I felt yesterday
and I'm finding myself
more in love everyday
that passes by

Everytime I see you
I can remember why
I fell for you
that first time
so here I am
being who I am
and finally being able
to relax into it

Forbiden

2009-05-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

I never thought
I'd be here today
watching people walk by
selling dippin dots
to any baseball fans
yet here I am
I'm watching people
trying to decide
which people I find
the most attractive
and it seems so strange
yet I know it's not
this can't be completley weird
and I never thought I'd feel this way
as I wait for gates to open
wait for a rush of fans
yet here I am
watching you walk along
and interact with all the staff
so here I am
so in love
with someone that I can't
well shouldn't
love

2009-05-06T14:00:00.002-04:00

As I look out my window
I can see all this green
and i wounder where this life of mine
is going
i wounder where you are
I wounder what you're doing now

And all I know
is that you're out there
doing something that I will never know
and I'm sitting here
staring out my window
questioning who I am
what I'm supposed to do
with my life

Tonight I'll see you again
tonight we'll work together again
and I'll remember why
I fell in love with you
and I'll remember why we can't be together
maybe life is stranger
than I ever thought it could be

Maybe my life is crazy
maybe I am crazy
but who says I can't enjoy my life
why should I follow the crowds
I'll do my own thing
I'll live my own crazy life
and maybe I'll enjoy it
yes I'll enjoy it
I'll enjoy my life
enjoy being me!

Crazyness

2009-05-06T12:16:00.003-04:00

I've been rather busy latley with trying to find a job; working for the loons; working in my church's nursery, sleeping, writing my novel, and writing my musical. This past weekend my mom's parents were here to visit saturday and sunday, so I didn't have time to do a whole lot on my own. Recently I started teaching myself ASL (American Sign Language), and have learned a few signs every day. Currently my vocabularly inludes:

-Cracker
-you
-Animal
-fish
-what
-do
-want
-I
-truck

I know it's not a lot, but the words I have been learning are ones I'll be able to use when I work in my church's nursery if and when we get a deaf child. Who knows; it could be helpful someday. I have a post in my lyrics/poems series of blogs coming up later this afternoon or early tomarrow.

Picture perfect post

2009-04-27T15:05:00.003-04:00

It's time for me to share the pictures I've captured since the beggining of April. These are just a sampling of them all, but if you go to http://ppmusic2010.deviantart.com/ you can see the rest of the pictures from my Nikon Coolpix digital camera.

That's Cooper from the church I go too.

This next picture is one of my all time favorites.

"Watching you"

2009-04-20T09:10:00.002-04:00

So these lyrics I literally just wrote in the last three minutes. I'm titling it "Watching You"...hopefully I can find some time to write the music and record it to post here. I want to share the back story of this one after I show you the lyrics.

I'm watching you
do your thing
but from a distance
I can't watch you close up
'cause then you'd know how I feel
about you
and I'm not quite ready for that
but someday I will tell you
how I feel about you

I love you
with all my heart
and I look every game
'cause you're the light of my world
you make me smile
everytime I see you
even from a distance
I love you
with all my heart

And when you leave me a message
I save it
and listen to it
over and over
again and again
'cause your voice makes me smile

And hearing your voice
seeing your around the stadium
makes me happy
makes me smile
'cause I love you so much
I wish you were here next to me
I wish I could hold you forever
I wish you were mine forever

Someday you'll be mine
someday I'll be yours
someday
today
I get to sit here
listening to your voice on my answering machine
I wait for the next homestand
so I can see you again
someday Ill say I love you

Here's the back stoy for everyone and anyone who might be reading. As some of you may well know, I am working for the great lakes Loons (www.loons.com) in food service. You also might know that I am gay/lesbian (whichever term you prefer.). This song is based off of something I've been feeling for one of the members of the front office staff. I've know this particular person for over a year now, and can remember a time when I was still in the closet and finding myself attracted to her. Since that time I have come out of the closet to most everybody I know, except for this person that I wrote this about.

Nim's Island

2009-04-17T14:47:00.004-04:00

In this afternoons blog-i'm going deviate a little from my series of blogs (poems and song lyrics) to blog a bit about the movie Nims Island. I literally just finished watching it, and must say that it was great! Part of the reason it was so good was Jodie Foster, Abigal Breslin and Gerard Butler...all three of whom and fans of. It was well done over all--the beauty of it all was amazing. I particularly love the ending; you really have no idea what happens to all three (Alex, Nim, and Jack).

As a kid I always loved watching a good movie. This is still true of me today. But today, I have much more of a range of a like of movies. I've found drama, comedy, musicals, kids movies, and animations are all great. I also have found a couple foriegn films I like. The thing about my movie obcession since March 2007 is that I actually study what makes these films/movies I watch so good and sometimes so auful that way. As you may know from reading eaither this blog, or reading www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com I have written two screenplays, am working on a novel, and am working on writing a stage musical. So watching movies both good and bad have helped me greatly to figure what parts of the story to include in the two screenplays I've written.

The Walk

2009-04-17T08:34:00.002-04:00

Went for a walk today

saw you going the other way

and as we pass

our eyes meet

and you ask me

"How you doing?"

It's your eyes

it's your smile

it's your thoughtfullness

that got me at "Hello"

yet this wont

cant work

everyone tells me it wont

and I know it's true

After all

your my boss

and you cant play favorites

it all makes sense

but what I'd wish

if I could wish one thing

it would be

that we could be together

forever more

Theres no denying

that I've fallen in love

with you

nothins felt so right

or more real

than this does

as we pass each other

today

2009-04-16T14:00:00.000-04:00

Name Rachel Steven,
Birthday May 20 88,
social security number
is now nine astricks long,
any previous jobs?,
no way...
why'd you have to ask me that?
please give me a job
that's all I'm asking for
in the here and now
I can start tomarrow
but who really cares
what position would you like?
I'll take whatever you can give me
it aint easy
trying to find a job
and strangley enough
I've got a feeling
that's somethings comeing
I've got a feeling
that I'll get this job
wouldn't that be awesome
if I could get this job
please give me a job
just give me a job...

It's a new day after all

2009-04-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

Open your eyes sleepy head
Roll out of bed
stare out the window
its a new day after all

Here I am
Here I am again
staring out this window
the only change today
is what Im thinkin

Who am I
and what am I doin here
I've been wandering all these years
and I've finally found where I want to be

So I'll roll out of bed
rub those sleepy eyes of mine
look out the window
and run out the door
its time to great the new day
and a new dream
that is so close to comin true

2009-04-16T10:00:00.002-04:00

Im dreaming of you
we've worked together
we've stayed together
nothing has pulled us apart

Chorus:
Staying together
working together
together for always
loving for always

I miss seeing your face
every other friday
having you around
and seeing your face
was always a pleasure

Chorus

Im dreaming again
dreaming
of seeing you again
of sticking together
forever
looking back
at working together
at staying together
at nothing pulling us apart

2009-04-16T08:22:00.000-04:00

Here I am
again
staring at the wall
again
woundrin where I go from here
what happens
now we're almost done
they took you from me
and put you at lemonaide
so Im standing here alone
woundrin how Ill cope
being so alone
just looking around
it looks so emptywill people see just me
or will they see who they want me to be
all they see is an employee
not a person who is in her last day of her job

2009-03-31T10:01:00.001-04:00

Safe
she's out there somewhere
and she's safe
she can't be dead
otherwise I'd know

I'd know
'cause my gut tells me she is alive
and safe
somewhere out there
in this big bright beautiful world
that was too big
and not bright and beautiful
when he took her from me

someday I'll find her
and we'll be happy
and the world will be big
bright and beautiful
it'll be the world it was
before she disapeared into it
on the darkest day of my life

I'll never give up on her
'cause my gut tells me
she's here somewhere
and I'll see her again
I just know it

2009-03-27T12:00:00.002-04:00

I'd love to share my heart
to confess the things yearn
but that's not how it works
not with who I am
some call me a freak
others call me strange
but I'm me
yes, I'm me
I may be different
I may seem strange to you
but this is who I am
To me you're strange
but you aren't a freak
no your not a freak
you're just different from me
there's always more to the story that you see
I might not have my picture perfect, happy ending
but I'm sure it'll be here someday
someday I'll confess my heart; confess the things I yearn
and someday I'll be able to say
"I Love You"
I'll say
I love you
and I really do
there's so much more to my story
there's that perfect, and happy ending
its out there somewhere
in this big bright beautiful world
don't we deserve it all
don't we deserve it all?

New series of blogs

2009-03-27T09:58:00.002-04:00

I'm starting a new series of blogs here. They are going to be the lyrics/poems I write or might find laying around my room. There's something about writing them then sharing them that makes the work I put into these things that makes sharing them worthwile.

My obcessions...

2009-03-27T09:45:00.002-04:00

I really wanted to bring someting up in this blog that has plauged me since I was a kid. I literally go through stages of obcessions. I wanted to make a list of some of my more recent obcessions...
1.Julie Andrews
2. writing
3. RENT (Well this is an obcession that's been with me since about 2000)
4. Disney Movies (this one comes and goes)
5. Wicked (This ones been with me since fall 2006)
6. Stephanie J Block
7. Tracie Thoms
8. Sutton Foster
9. Youtube
10. BlogTV
11. Twitter
12. Facebook
13. Myspace
14. Srek the Musical (I have a feeling that this one will be with me for years)

So that's just the short list...

As for my obcession with Shrek the musical, I love the song "Who I'd Be". As I was listening to this song one day earlier this week, I came up with the lyrics to a song I'm working on the music for now. Here are thos lyrics:

Who would I be
if I could be anyone
would there be
that happy ending
that perfect, happy ending
or would there be
more to do
more to be
more to see
I guess I'd be
that person I can feel
inside me
hiding inside me
theres a big
and bright beautiful world
out there
but I can't quite reach it
there's that perfect
and happy
ending
that I deserve
but it's out of reach
just past my fingertips
and when I finally make it
I'll see that bright beautiful world
and I'll get that great
perfect beautiful ending
hopefully

Biker gangs

2009-03-16T15:05:00.002-04:00

This past friday (3/13/09) a couple friends and I wanted to do something fun. So, we created our own biker gang. We don't ride motercycles, so this our version of a biker gang is one that uses human powered bikes. Naturally we took a few pictures of ourselves around town. But before we even considered going anywhere, we had to make ourselves armbands. As we were creating these masterpeices, we decided to come up with a catchy slogan. What did we come up with you ask? We came up with the following slogan:

Death by hardcore passion

Where have I been?

2009-02-27T12:59:00.002-05:00

I really don't know. I seem to have found myself completley disconected from the internet last week, and finally this week got back on to check my many accounts from Facebook to Myspace to Youtube to my e-mail. Did I mention I came down with a cold late yesterday; and thankfully it came only after my dental cleaning. Did I mention I had someone ask me out????? I guess I really should adress what I've been up too.

1. Bell choir--what fun!! Several weeks ago, and well after the holidays, we had our holiday party. It was quite a bit of fun just hanging out with a bunch of friends the night before the super bowl.

2. Dental cleaning--I originally had it schedualed for Febuary 19, but the dentists office had to re-schedual on me since the hygenist couldn't be there on the 19th. So I had my teeth cleaned yesterday morning.

3. Church Nursery--I work roughly two sunday mornings a month, Tuesday night (a financial class), and Wensdays during Lent for the services.

4. Yes someone asked me out yesterday. Let's just say that he didn't know, and still doesn't know I'm gay. Kind of sad actually...I felt so bad for saying no, but I really didn't want to lie about who I am. This particular guy seemed nice, and probobly would be the kind of guy I would fall for if I wasn't gay.

5. Writting writting writtting....see www.thatgirliknew.blogspot.com for details of what I've been working on writing latley.

6. Keeping up my deviant art site...my user name there is ppmusic2010.

2009-02-10T08:35:00.002-05:00

Here are a bunch of pictures!!!

This first one is of Matthew. This kind of gets at his typical goofyness.

Owen (from above) literally looked up to see the camera, and said cheese without prompting just before I snapped the picture.

The above two were taken in a nearby local wooded area this past weekend when it was about 50 degrees out. 50 degree weather in Febuary sure is unusual for Michigan.

I got love

2009-02-04T15:18:00.002-05:00

"I got love
I got love
I got love
I got love love love...
I got love
sweet sweet love...
I'm talking to my pillow,
'cause I got love...
I got a jar of honey,
and every day is sunny
because I got love..." Julie Reiber

2009-01-29T14:21:00.001-05:00

Ten Handbell commandments

2009-01-29T08:04:00.002-05:00

1. Thou shalt attend rehersals with steady faithfullness
2. Thou shalt not touch graven metal with thy bear hands
3. Thou shalt not take thy sharps and flats in vein
4. remeber thy preformance dates and keep them holy
5. Remember thy director that their days may be long upon the land
6. Thy shalt not covet your neighbors bell assignment
7. Thou shalt not tap foot with exeeding loudness
8. Thou shalt not steel thou neighbors pencil
9. Thous shal return thou bells to their cases, shiny and unscathed
10. thou shal return thy director to his or her car shiny and unscathed

:-)

2009-01-28T10:46:00.002-05:00

I was just checking to see how my youtube videos (www.youtue.com/user/ppmusic06) to see how they were doing, and I took a look at youtube insight. For those of you who don't know what youtube insight is, it's a way for those of us with videos on youtube to see how many people are viewing our videos, the viewers sex and age ranges viewing, and where you videos are most viewed. As I was looking at it, I saw that my videos are most viewed in the US, Spain, Urkraine, Finland, and Romania. At first I was a little surprised fy Finland and Romania, but then it hit me that I had done a couple of music videos to Tarja songs who in Finish. If you don't know who Tarja is, you should check her out. I'm going to post one of my favorite songs of hers here; it's of a concert she did.

Seriously...I swear today was meant to be a bad day

2009-01-26T08:17:00.002-05:00

So far it's be a bad day. Well maybe not a bad day, just a frusterating and rather confusling day. I woke up at 7AM this morning, as usual and went outside to move my car so my mom could get to work. That's when things started going completley wrong. My car WOULDN'T start. So, my mom is borrowing a neighbors car for the time being, and I have the battery charger charging up the battery in my car. Hopefully the thing is charged enought to work at 11 this morning. I wasn't half surprised when the garage door decided it wasn't going to stay closed for me this morning. It's kind of a surprise that most things around here a still working considering that I've had some stinky luck when it comes to getting things to work this morning. I promise I'll blog later today with what happens with that annoying car battery that for whatever reason decided to quit on me suddenly.

Yipee!

2009-01-23T20:47:00.002-05:00

So check out these pics from my new digital camera, well it's not so new now that it's almost a month old, and has been well used!

Lamps....oooohhhhh.

2009-01-14T08:28:00.001-05:00

Holidays in photos

2009-01-08T13:39:00.002-05:00

The holidays bring so many fun moments. This year my parents gave me a digital camer (FINALLY!). That first picture I took of my brother on New Years day as he was on the floor watching the rose bowl parade and I was sitting on the couch.

The rest of these pictures are of the pointsetta that my parents bought somewhere back in early December. The first two of the pointsetta I took just a few minutes ago. I love the lighting of that first one!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

Enjoy!

READ THIS NOW!

2008-12-18T17:18:00.002-05:00

I've got something great to tell you all, or at least those of yout that might actually read this! One of my videos on youtube is the 94th most viewed video in the category of Non-profits/activism in South Korea. This is a first! I've never been on one of the most viewed video lists before, so it's rather exciting!

2008-12-18T12:09:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting down in the commons at Delta right now. I just spent about two hours commenting on project for awesome videos, and about half an hour before that studying. But, that's not the point of this blog...there's this lady next to me...well not directly next to me that is asleep and snoring! arg! Hearing her snoring will eventually get on my nerves but hasn't yet.

Project for Awesome

2008-12-18T08:47:00.002-05:00

GO PROJECT FOR AWESOME! Project for Awesome is a yearly movement away from normal youtube videos to videos about charity to decrease world suck. So lets decrease world suck even more this year! GO TO YOUTUBE AND RATE, FAVORITE AND COMMENT ON ALL PROJECT FOR AWESOME VIDEOS!

Recent conversation

2008-12-16T17:07:00.003-05:00

So I found a conversation that my bell choir had about a year ago. Well, it wasn't completley a conversation, but more of a joke that someone pulled.

We start playing a peice that uses both bells and chimes. Someone picks up their chimes instead of their bells, and plays those. Dave (our director at the time) cuts us off.

BILL: Next chimes a charm!

Family Reunion picture

2008-12-16T10:53:00.002-05:00

I just got this picture via e-mail thanks to my moms older sister. It was taken in early August 2008 during our family reunion after my moms moms 80th birthday party. We were on the deck where we were listening to music, dancing and drinking. My aunt Julie literally laid down on the deck in the middle of the little circle of us that were dancing, and snapped this picture. I think she took several others of us during the dancing, but this is the one I've seen. I thought I'd share it with everyone.

2008 in review

2008-12-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

I was just thinking about the past year, and all the chaos that has happened since the beggining of the year. First off, I had a terrible winter 2008 semester, and realized that nursing is what I really want to do right now. I also had a job interview in January with the Great Lakes Loons (www.loons.com) for a food service position during the home games, and got a job there scooping ice cream, and making sundaes, bannana splits and ice cream cones. So I spent April through September at Dow Diamond scooping ice cream during home stands.

I spent time at church playing in the bell choir and working in the nursery where I chased kids around for hours on end.

Around July 4th, my parents and brother went on a trip to Wisconsin leaving me home because of my job. So I spent about a week home along, where I slept on the couch every night, watched the crappy Midland Fireworks, sent off a few fireworks of my own, watched way to many movies and too much TV, saw Wall-E in theaters twice, and worked Loons games. I also worked the Single A Midwest leauge all star game, and enjoyed it SOOO much. Then August rolled around, and it was time for the family reunion. My parents and brother left early to get there to spend time with my dad's parents since I had a couple games to work before my break began. I ended up driving the two and a half hours from Midland to Ludington where I took the four hour trip on the ferry across lake Michigan. Once in Wisconsin, my dad and his parents picked me up, and we went out to lunch. After lunch we dropped my dad's parents off, and drove the hour and a half to my mom's parents house. It was there that the reunion officially began with some tubing, and relaxing with books around the house. On the second day of the reunion was my mom's mom's 80th birthday party. That party was fun with all the drinking, food, music, family, and friends. During the party, seven of the cousins including my brother and I recited an ode we wrote for our grandma from memory.

In early september the fall semester began, and I began on the long road to becoming a certified Pharmacy technician. Since then i've also been working on writing a second screenplay, a novel, and worked at my school work, played in my chruch's bell choir and worked in the church nursery. I'm definatley looking forward to a new year, and new great memories that I'll be able to remember with a smile on my face.

In other quick, right now news, I'm sitting at Delta College, watching the school closings hoping that Delta Closes before my class is supposed to start so I dont have to go and can go home.

HappyCabbie

2008-12-05T08:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, I just got some news via youtube about one youtuber that needs help right now. I have the link to the video as to what happened to him (HappyCabbie) so you can see it for yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMjRNlXV_fg

Go give him some love!

Blogging from class

2008-12-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm sitting in class, writing this. I know...you probobly are wanting to tell me not to. But, today is a review day before our final exam on December 18th. We have a quiz on Tuesay. I really don't want to think about this, so I'm sitting here blogging. Maybe I'll even blog about some of what we're reviewing.

15 G x
___ . _____ = 15g .250=100x = 15g.250
100mL 250mL _______ = x = 37.5g
100

Yep. That's the kind of math I have to do. Pretty simple huh?

Cardage

2008-12-03T14:36:00.002-05:00

I found a card I recieved for my high school graduation in my desk...here's what it says (the italics)

You write papers
you study papers
you research papers
you turn in papers
and when you're all donw,
they hand you a peice of paper!
Here's anouther for your collection.
Congratulations

SO that's what the printed part of the card said. My Aunt and Uncle who sent me this card wrote:
"Erin-
With great love and admiration for all your hard work and positive attitude. Best whishes"

Here's anouther card, this time from my former piano teacher after I helped out with a music camp during the summer of 2007. It reads:
"Dear Erin
Thank you for all your help with Joyfull Jubilee. I really appretiate how you just step in wherever you're needed-Did you know you would be helping with a dance? I hope you had as much fun as I did. It was amazing how it all came together.
See you soon!
Rae"

Here's anouther card I got reading:
"It is in hoping that we dream, in dreaming that we seek, in seeking that we find our life's desire. May all Your graduation dreams come true, and may all your tomarrows be beautiful. Congratulations and Best Wishes."

Anouther card from my stash of cards I recieved after my graduation:
"Happieness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Hawthorn"

"Alive"

2008-11-26T00:00:00.001-05:00

"Cant escape the sounds of the city
the sounds of the horns and the screams
with the sky cold and grey
buildings left to decay
its a city of broken dreams
with the crash of the steel and hammer
fill my head with a rythm so pure
and the sounds of the street are alive with a beat
that make me hopefull and sure
in the flash of the world is alive with music
one saving deep in my soul
and the beat of the drum feels like heaven
my empty life suddenly whole
in a world that'll toss and turn you
you do what can to survive
so I dance
so I move
to a beat
to a groove
that all meant I feel alive
alive
all the people who live in the city
are struggling just to get by
though they dont have a lot
they accept what they've got
I would rather die
so I turn on the movie thats playing
night and day
in the back of my head
and I twist and turn
and I pray and yurn
for a life that I've never left
In a flash all the world is alive with music
one saving deep in my soul
and the beat of the drum
feels live heaven
my empty life suddenly whole
with only a dream to guide you
you've got to have passion and drive
so I spin
I dance
for a dream
for a dance
for a moment
to feel alive
alive
some people see things for what they are
a cop moving traffic
a roar of a car
but I hear a rythm
and I see a smile on the cop
who is busting i movie style
inside the gym guys are jumping rope
but i see a dance that fills me with hope
and thats how i make it through every day
by looking at it in a different way
in a flash
all the world is alive with music
beating in time with my heart
and the rythm, eletric
is calling to me
soon your new lifes going to start
though at times it can over take you
it doesnt mean you shouldnt try
to escape from the dark
make your move
leave your mark
dont give up
dont give in
let a new day begin
for now and forever
you'll feel alive
alive
alive"
"Alive" sung by Julie Reiber

I've fallen in love with this song. You can hear it on myspace. I have it on my myspace at www.myspace.com/soccermaniac

Here's a video of Julie Reiber singing "Invisible" which was written by Bobby Cronin. She's got one heck of a voice.
"Then I turned 8
oh my life was great
playing and dreaming..."

"Then came 13,
14 and 15...
16 was sweet
18 could compete...
I was to be the bride...
mother cried
pop was filled with such pride
my heart stopped
tell me why
it was my time to die
now Im stuck here
causing such fear
crying moaning and groaning
since Im all alone
mother lived 10 years more
after John died at war...
grace went next...
why was I ignored
anger fills my heart which lingers
help me find the light
as the haunter I am haunted
searching day and night
help me find
the love I lost when I died
I must confess
what no one did guess
empty from distress
worthless
I felt invisible
you see Mr. right
would often lie...
I tried to make him see
how much he needed me
but then accidently
I cut to deep
and I died
a suicide
he made me feel like I'm invisible
crying for help I'm invisible
I remain in vein
invisible
why am I still alone
invisible
why
tell me why
am I invisible
no chance to say goodbye
so I will always be
invisible."

blogtv

2008-11-25T10:22:00.002-05:00

Go to blog tv, and search ppmusic2010. I'm going to start a "Show" at noon, but it could start earlier, so get ready to ask your questions!

I just checked out the featured recorded shows at blogtv, and I was featured during my 8:00AMish show!! How exciting!